I have been wanting a good logo for The Portable Baby ever since 2005, which is when I started that venture. I came up with a header image on the fly just to get something up on the page, and since I'm not an artist at all, this is what it turned out like:

It's not completely horrible, but it's not exactly memorable either. It is what it is, plain and simple. Like an REI catalogue page or something. Ho hum.

Late last year, I finally got around to working on the logo thing. I called a big design firm and asked them what a logo would cost. $4500, they told me.
Holy shit, I said to myself.

So then I outsourced. I found a logo designer in India who was charging a little bit less than half of that. I liked her stuff, she seemed entirely capable. I didn't LOVE her stuff, but I felt like she knew what she was doing, and she had gotten rave reviews from former customers. And I'm no logo designer, what do I know...right? Leave it to a professional.

The lesson that I have learned this year? If I don't love something, forget it. Drop it and move on to something else. Don't buy it, don't sign up for it. Life is too damn short. I don't have nearly enough time or resources for all the stuff that I *do* love. If I don't love it, it's not right for me. Wait for the love to happen, THEN take action.

A prime example of that here. Logo Chick was nice enough, but she just never got what my business was about. I explained it all sooo many times, filled out an entire sheet with info on what I wanted the logo to do, what message I wanted to convey, what target market I was trying to reach, blah, blah, blah. Then I repeated myself in emails. She just NEVER GOT IT.

At first, I suggested using the initial letters of "The Portable Baby" to create a groovy design. Dan and I actually came up with something pretty cool on a scrap of paper, but then I think Adrian ate it. It disappeared during the height of his paper-eating phase. Then I forgot what we had done, and what it looked like. Sigh. But I was able to vaguely describe the idea to Pro Logo Chick, as you know, just an idea to potentially kick around.

Pro Logo Chick had a fairly decent rendition, after several misses. This was round five or six:

Not bad, right? But I was trying to imagine this on my website as-is, and it was just too blah, too abstract, too black-and-white. But a good start, I thought. I was thinking more along the lines of an illustrated, fancy something-something, and not a stick figure, but hey...I'm not the expert, right?

I said I liked this, but I needed to convey motion, travel, portability, getting out and going places. This? This was more like sitting under a tree. Not bad, but not exactly screaming THE PORTABLE BABY. More like, sit under a tree and hold your baby. I also asked for less abstraction and more color.

That's when it got weird. She started coming up with some very bizarre and ugly stuff:

OK, WHY would I want the text all mashed into the image like that? Is there any possible way that someone could look at that and think that it was NOT a mistake? Ooops, my Photoshop text layer slid too far left. Should I fix it? No, I'll send it to my client. And what's with the font? Screams 1980s Geek to me. Atari anyone? How about a game of Space Invaders?

Plus wow...what a sophisticated concept. Those two DASHES to the left of the figure indicating motion. DASHES. WTF?

Oh, and here's where she adds color. Did I already say WTF? Well just in case I didn't...WTF?

So I said no, no, no, I DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. Please move the text away from the image. Get rid of those dashes. That color is ALL WRONG. And I explained the motion concept again. So she sent this:

Which is a mom and baby riding a flaming ski lift. Or at least that's what it looks like to me. Pretty scary.

But wait, it was about to get scarier! After firmly nixing the flaming ski lift thing I suggested maybe, I don't know, an arrow? How about an arrow to indicate motion?

She first ridiculed me (an arrow is WAY too obvious!), which I didn't really get, because hey, I want to be obvious! I want people to look at this thing and say to themselves, THAT MEANS I CAN TAKE MY BABY ANYWHERE. They shouldn't have to puzzle over it, like wonder if maybe it's really a ski lift, and is it on fire?

It looks like it might be on fire! Yikes! I don't want to ride a flaming ski lift with my baby! Fuck this place, I'm going to BabiesRUs!

Anyway yeah, obvious is good, I think. But noooo, not to Logo Chick. But she valiantly made an effort to incorporate some arrows.

This is where the mom and baby are riding the ski lift BACKWARDS. Because that would be fun, right? Not nerve-racking or anything. Especially when it's time to get off the lift, and it's moving backwards, and you have a baby in your lap....um, I am not trying to provoke a major anxiety attack in my audience, thanks very much. My target audience is stressed enough as it is.
.
And here's where there's a bear offstage...he is clawing the mom's eyes out. You can see his claw piercing her eyeball here. Ouch!

Awesome, right? I was literally ready to tear my hair out at this point. Is she fucking with me?
IS SHE FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

I think it was at that point that I just halted all correspondence with her. I just couldn't take any more. Pointless. Pointless waste of time and money. She emailed me a few more times, asking if I was OK, could I get back to her, and I just couldn't respond. Because if I did I would have to open a giant can of whup-ass and tell her she must be NUTS for sending me this kind of COMPLETE BULLSHIT.

I put the logo plans aside. I had been pretty excited, but this demoralized me. What a letdown. What a waste of money. I fiddled around with the initial concept, and made it somewhat palatable, but still...too abstract. Too blah. I didn't want a stick figure. I wanted a beautiful illustrated logo, lively and descriptive and colorful. Memorable!

I have always loved the graphic product advertisements from the early-to-mid century. Mostly European products. Works of art. Everyone buys posters of these ads, they are in every little cafe and bistro, and you know, I don't remember the last time anyone bought a poster of say, the IBM logo for the aesthetic viewing pleasure.

I know, not really a logo, but oh well. I wanted an illustrated logo. I had...nothing.

Time passed, nothing happened.

Then I got an email from Dominic, with a link to a very funny website created by a friend and ex-coworker of his, Tina Kugler. (There is an umlaut over the U in Kugler, but I can't do it on my keyboard without major machinations, and it's already getting late.)

I found Tina's drawings hilarious, and I loved her style too.

In one of her drawings, she mentioned looking for freelance work:

And DING! The light bulb went off over my head. Maybe TINA could do my dream logo! Obviously she gets motherhood. She's funny. She's amazingly talented. Why not ask, right?

So I asked. I told her very, very briefly what I was looking for. I told her I didn't have a lot of money to spend, since I had already fruitlessly WASTED a load of it on Logo Chick. I even sent some of the worst that Logo Chick had to offer as an example of what I was NOT looking for.

And Tina? Bless her, she said yes. She said she would try to work on some rough sketches and send them to me, when she got a chance. She does have three small children mind you. THREE, including a 9mo baby. So I figured, I don't know...2010 maybe? Take my two kids, add one more....yeesh.

But no...amazingly she came up with not one, not two, but THREE awesome sketches. THE SAME DAY. I picked one (hard to do) and she sent a more polished sketch back, almost immediately. And finally, today, she sent me this:
Which is more than I ever hoped for. Isn't it great? I just love, love LOVE it.

The only thing that might need to be changed is the title, because it's not quite as readable when you shrink it down to website logo header size. So I'll probably take out her hand-drawn title and add in "The Portable Baby" in my current Maiandra GD font. I've already checked it out, it looks good.

I am SO pleased. More than pleased, I'm thrilled. It's everything I wanted. I can't wait to make T-shirts!

So if you have any illustration needs, like maybe you need a change of address postcard or a product label, or a party invitation, or someone to illustrate a children's book or maybe even just a tattoo, Tina is your woman. Did you know that she worked on Dora the Explorer? Spread the word. She ROCKS. Here's her website again:
http://tinakugler.blogspot.com/

Now I just need to update my website. I can't wait to go live with my new look. Exciting! Yippee!

Oh, and Logo Chick? IN YOUR FACE, BABY!

Posted by msLaura at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Adrian and I are off to Vegas this weekend for the ABC Trade Show. We're going to scope out about a zillion products for babies and kids, and maybe we can find one or two that are worthwhile.

Adrian has his own badge. He's my Assistant Buyer. Which sounds like a joke, but it's actually not. How else am I supposed to test stuff out without my Baby Product Tester along?

It's Adrian's first flight. Here's hoping he zonks out for the duration...luckily it's only a little over an hour each way, and we have a direct flight.

Dan and Julian are having a Stag Weekend in our absence. Wahoo!

Posted by msLaura at 12:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So much craziness on the work scene lately. Here's the very short version, as short as I can make it.

I've been selling Ergo Baby Carriers in my store since the very beginning. It was one of my original 3-4 products.

Last year I started dyeing a few carriers, because Ergo's colors are pretty boring. I made Spring Green and Brazil Nut and Pomegranate and Rose Petal, all kinds of pretty colors. They were a big hit.

All of a sudden I got a threatening phone call from Ergo telling me to take the dyed carriers off my website or else my wholesale account would be terminated. Wha? They could give no sensible reason for it, other than "that's just not the business direction we want to go in".

Geez, you'd think they would be happy about the increased sales, right? Nope. So I did take the carriers off my website, though I grumbled mightily about it.

Well, time went on and people kept emailing me asking what happened to the dyed carriers. I was tempted into making them again, but very privately. Just a few here and there. I know, bad girl...but I'm not good at following rules that don't make any sense to me. Besides, I *was* following the rule about not having them *on my website*.

All went well until I donated a Pomegranate dyed Ergo to a charity auction. Someone at Ergo saw it and they immediately terminated my wholesale account. Fuckers. Never mind that I've sold a zillion Ergos for them, or that I've had by FAR the best website of any of their retailers, or that I've given free personal instruction to my customers, or any of that. No sireee, a few dyed carriers are a big threat. WhatEVER.

So fuck Ergo. Lucky for me, there are two other good options out there in Baby Carrier Land. The Beco, which is prettier and more comfortable and made in California (instead of China) and the Patapum, which is a great toddler carrier....they are based in northern Italy near Torino.

The Patapum also comes in an eminently dyeable khaki color, so I emailed them and asked how they would feel about a dyed version. They gave me the big thumbs up and were very excited about it. What a difference in attitude from those fools over at Ergo, who desperately need this book .

I'm quite glad this happened, as now I can sell two fabulous carriers. One beautiful high-end carrier, and one more utilitarian carrier that is super-comfy yet affordable. I can continue dyeing carriers with the full approval and *support* of the manufacturer. And hey, I might even take a trip to Italy someday, visit the Patapum headquarters and write part of it off. Sweet, no?

In the meantime, my other products are flying off the shelves. I've had a very busy summer, very exciting. A little crazy trying to keep it together with two little kids, but totally worth it.

When Ergo terminated my account, they wanted me to ship back my remaining carriers in stock (several hundred!) at MY expense, PLUS pay a restocking fee. Thanks for the memories guys...been great working with you too. ASSEATERS.

Instead, I had a big sale and sold them all off. I sold something like 150 carriers in three days. I was out in the garage packing up orders every spare moment, with Adrian on my back in his Beco. As soon as the kids were in bed I was back out there with tape gun in hand.

Things have finally calmed down now and I'm taking a little breather. Just in time, as Adrian started officially crawling yesterday. He was moving around a little before, but now he can actually go forward to get an object. He's not up on hands and knees yet, he's doing a belly crawl, but it still counts. He is SO excited about this...he'll scoot forward and then turn around to give me a huge grin..."Check THIS out, Mama!"

Posted by msLaura at 09:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

About a year ago I went to an interview with a guy in a little one-room closet office located inside a small business incubator. He was a nice Indian guy, very driven and very smart.

His business idea seemed compelling and workable. He needed a UI person to build the web interface for his idea. I would only have to work part-time and the job was flexible. I just had to show up once a week, other than that I could work from home. He was willing to pay my full hourly rate, or offer some equity and a lower hourly rate.

It sounded great. The interview was promising. I went home and well, I didn't exactly wait by the phone, but I was looking forward to getting started. But he never called.

Last week I heard from him again. He got a round of funding and everything was now in motion at full speed ahead. Of course, I was excited. It seemed like a good business idea to ME, and now apparently other people thought so too. I was looking forward to starting the project.

Then reality set in. As Dan so kindly reminded me, I already HAVE a successful business that takes up 99% of my free time, plus I have two contract web design/development clients who I work for on a regular basis (Hi Anni!) plus a young son and a husband and a dog and chickens and a garden to take care of, plus hello I'm PREGNANT and need to take a nap at least every other day. My kitchen is a mess lately. The garage desperately needs organizing. This doesn't even count the other stuff that I'd like to do, like build a mosaic fountain for the backyard.

But apparently these things are not enough for me. I need more responsibility and more challenges and more work.

No, I really don't! I'm crazy to even think about taking on something else right now! I've been pretty good at saying no to new projects, but this one triggered a "yes!" response for some reason, I think because it was something that I was kind of waiting around for in the past, under different circumstances. But in the meantime my life has filled up and started to overflow.

The guy called me this morning, he wants me to start right away. I was out with a group of mom friends at Filoli and I couldn't really talk, but I am supposed to have a phone meeting with the new VP of Marketing tomorrow, and I'll have to turn him down then, tell him I can't take the job.

Ugh. Every job I turn down, I feel like it will be the last one offered to me, and I'm so lucky to even get any opportunities at all. That's totally not true, but I have that mindset, I guess from years of struggling. Anyway, I'm glad that Dan is around to remind me not to kill myself by taking on every jobt aht comes my way. Otherwise I would definitely be tempted to do way too much, and I'd probably have an ulcer and be a screaming madwoman right now. Not fun at all.

Posted by msLaura at 02:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Time for an update. I've been posting a lot of external stuff, and references and links, but not a lot about my personal life since the miscarriage.

Well, things have been good and bad lately.

Good:
1) Business is booming. I'm getting a lot of good feedback from people, and I feel like I've made a significant contribution to their quality of life...mom and dad can now get the hell out of the house without toting a ton of crap, strollers, etc. They can go for a walk, or a hike, stroll downtown with their baby, travel around...hassle-free. More time enjoying their baby and living life instead of being tied down with a bunch of heavy crap.

I also got two new contract web design projects, which are easy-peasy and low-key. No hard deadlines, just pretty catalogue sites. No real thought required. I can put myself on auto-pilot, sit down at my laptop, and crank away. *Getting* the time to do so is another matter, but the work itself is easy and satisfying. So that's nice, because I've burned through all my savings building up my business and buying inventory. Now it's paying off, but I need to rebuild my reserves a bit faster. I hate having no savings. Thanks to the influence of my Jewish husband, I am no longer a financially irresponsible idiot. Hooray! So these contract jobs are all good.

2) Dan is putting Julian to bed now. It's like a happy dream-come-true every night as I kiss the boy and pass him over to Daddy for rocking. They get bonding/cuddling time together. I get a long shower, and time alone with a book in bed. Or catching up on emails on my laptop and doing web work (see above). Or grooming. Whatever I'm missing in my daily life. I am so grateful. I will gladly get up in the middle of the night, wake at the first light of dawn...just don't make me put the kid to bed after a long day. I absolutely hate it. By that point, if Julian does anything but close his eyes and immediately drop off to sleep, I go ballistic. Too burnt OUT by then, and I'm usually exhausted too.

3) Lots of good books to read. See #2.

4) Daylight savings time is here. It doesn't get dark until 7:30pm now! Too bad it's been raining for about 4 months nonstop, which feels like forever (see BAD).

5) Julian's language skills are moving along at light speed. He is quite the little communicator and, when he's not having a meltdown (see BAD), or sick (see BAD) he's a very lively and amusing companion.

6) Dan and I are getting along great. Not only because of #2, but overall our home life is sweet and loving. He helps me out a lot around the house, and cuts me slack when I'm tired and sick (see BAD) and cranky. He's having his own frustrations with his job, but he's still being loving and helpful and patient and a good father and sweet husband. And sexy! Mmmmm! I'm very glad that I married this man.

BAD
1) Sickness! Crankiness!
First I had a miscarriage, then just when I stopped bleeding I got a nasty-ass cold that wiped me out for about two weeks solid. I felt horrible. Every movement was torture. Just completely exhausted, not sleeping, not eating, feeling like shit on a shingle.

Julian never got the cold outright, but he has been running a fever off and on for about two weeks, with an occasional runny nose and major, massive crabbiness to go along with it. He just melts down all day long, over everything and nothing. I'm sure it's because he feels sick, but after half a day of crying and whining I am definitely ready to sell him on eBay. Which is why I'm so eternally grateful to Dan for stepping in and taking over when I'm ready to lose my mind and be a Bad Mom.

And finally, my mom has had a flu that has lasted for two months, which means that it's likely pneumonia by now. She hasn't seen a doctor, and the whole thing is just bad, bad, bad. She sounds terrible. I need to go down and see if I can help, find out what's going on, get her to a doctor, but I need to wait until Julian is over his *whatever*, because the last thing I want to do is bring down yet another cold/flu bug and expose her to it.

So yeah....sickness is a major BAD lately.

2) I finally wrote my Dad a letter about, well, everything that has been bothering me for the past 10 years. I tried to do it diplomatically, as a way of opening dialogue with him, and getting that load of weighty bad feelings off my chest and out in the open. The guy never even responded. It's been almost a month. One of my main complaints is that he acts like his new family is the only one he's ever had. Not only does he ignore me, he ignores Julian, didn't even call or send him a card on his birthday, and every time the subject of being a grandfather comes up, he finds a way to turn the subject to his own mortality. I guess the primary emotion he feels when he ponders his only grandson is "HOLY SHIT, I'M GETTING OLD." Nice. So to not even get a response...well, that justifies my complaint, wouldn't you say? Of course, it's possible that my missive got lost, or was never opened, or whatever. I need to follow up. But right now I'm still too bent. I need to calm down a bit first.

3) The weather just sucks. STILL. Not only is it unseasonably cold, but it just. won't. stop. raining. It's killing me. I'm daydreaming of blazing hot sunny weather. I have been cold for so long that I can't even imagine what it's like to be hot, and hot just sounds good right now. A blazing desert sun...mmmmm. Not wearing a sweater and pants and wool socks...unimaginable! We can't go to the park, we can't go on hikes, can't keep up on gardening, etc.

Julian and I hate being stuck inside. I was going to yoga and taking him to the childcare there, but then he always either caught a cold or else he was the only kid there, and therefore had a miserable time. I'm sick of all the indoor alternatives. I just want to play outside. Stop raining already! We need a social life! We need playground time and fun outings and picnics and hikes and all that stuff. I'm a California girl, I don't know how to amuse myself during interminable winters. Let me outside!

My garden is so overdue for some attention. But it's just too cold out there. On a warm day, there's nothing I love better than working in the garden. But when it's cold and rainy..forget it. I didn't even plant a winter crop this year. And I plan on getting some chickens, but I don't want to get them when it's so crappy outside. Welcome to your life with us chickens! Now have fun out there in your coop. We'll never come and visit you, or hang out in the backyard with you while it's this crappy outside. See you when the weather gets better.

I think that finishes my list of good and bad for now.

Posted by msLaura at 05:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I finished reading Desperate Journeys, Abandoned Souls:True Stories of Castaways and Other Survivors by Sterling Seagrave. A truly fascinating book for those of you who like harrowing stories of survival against impossible odds and mind-bogglingly gruesome conditions.

If you liked Endurance, or Alive or even Robinson Crusoe, this is the book for you. Except that it's not just one incredible true story, it's a compilation of them, so just when you've picked up your jaw off the floor after reading one account of a Desperate Journey, then there comes an even *more *incredible tale of an Abandoned Soul that blows your mind completely. And so on. I could not put it down, and it's a thick book.

Anyway, I've been on an island theme in my reading material for some time now. I'd link to the Jack London post I wrote some time back, except I just realized while looking for it that it's one of the *many* posts that I haven't yet transferred over into the new blog. SIgh, I only have about a quarter of my entries available here, the rest need to be copied and pasted by hand, one by one, into the Moveable Type blog interface. Yeah....a real project. Argh.

Suffice it to say that I've been reading island-themed books for several months now, and I've got quite a list going. The above is just one in the series:

• An Island to Oneself: Six Years on a Desert Island
• Castaway in Paradise: The Incredible Adventures of True-Life Robinson Crusoes
• Desperate Journeys, Abandoned Souls : True Stories of Castaways and Other Survivors
• Life of Pi
• Rain and Other South Sea Stories
• Robinson Crusoe
• Searching for Paradise : A Grand Tour of the World's Unspoiled Islands...
• Shoal of Time a History of the Hawaiian Islands
• South Sea Tales
• Tales of the South Seas: Island Landfalls, the Ebb-Tide, the Wrecker
• The Cruise of the Snark: Jack London's South Sea Adventure
• The Devil's Teeth : A True Story of Obsession and Survival Among America's Great White Sharks
• The Log of the Snark
• The Sex Lives of Cannibals : Adrift in the Equatorial Pacific

and that's just some of them.

In my reading of numerous shipwreck survivor accounts, I've noticed something curious. In the "Desperate Journeys" book, for example, there's a story of a guy whose ship goes down, and after nearly dying of thirst and hunger at sea, he washes up on a tiny scrap of reef with barely any dry land, no vegetation, and no respite from the burning equatorial sun. He somehow barely survives for over 2 years on crabs and algae and occasional fish before being rescued, always on the verge of death from starvation and thirst. I forget how he managed to get any water.

One of the biggest problems is no shade. He is burnt to a crisp without any shade all day long, day after day.

When he is finally picked up and rescued, he has grown a thick layer of hair over his skin that helps protect him from the sun's burning rays, and the cold at night as well. The rescuers describe him as looking like a wild animal, his hair is almost like fur.

This same phenomenon is described in several other castaway stories as well. The castaways are usually very *hairy* when found, not just bearded, but actually posessing a coat of hair over their bodies that is thicker than normal. This only seems to happen for those castaways that were shipwrecked without clothing, or whose clothes have rotted off and haven't found anything else to protect them from the sun.

So my question is: is there something in intense UV exposure that triggers protective hair growth? I know that anorexic girls often grow an unusually thick coat of hair on their bodies under starvation conditions. It replaces the insulating body fat that normally protects them from variations in temperature. So under conditions of starvation AND intense UV exposure, it does make sense that some pathway for protective body hair growth would be switched on.

And if we could find that pathway trigger, we might be able to switch body hair growth on or off. Without starving or being burnt to a crisp by the sun, of course.

Considering that hair removal is a zillion-dollar industry, and hair *growth* (for men) is booming as well, this could be very lucrative research. Rather than shaving and lasering and moving hair around from one part of your head to another, wouldn't it be great to just be able to turn your hair growth on or off?

Well, if I ever win the lottery and become a venture capitalist, that will be something to look into. After I solve world hunger and establish peace on earth, of course.

Posted by msLaura at 08:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Oh for cryin' out loud.

So I sell these wraps on my Portable Baby website:
http://www.theportablebaby.com/wrap.html

I've only gotten positive comments on the wraps so far, and on the page in general. The wraps are really taking off, and rightly so, because they are really fabulous.

Anyway, in the last two days I've suddenly had emails flaming me for
1) my dissing of other wraps
2) the "offensive profanity" I use

Number one... the other wraps do kind of suck, for the reasons I mention. They're not all bad, but they could be better. I have a right not to like certain features of those wraps, and I'm not alone in my preference. But apparently as a "mommy business" I'm supposed to never, ever say anything bad about anything, and especially not about products that other mommies might use and/or sell. I'm supposed to be nice, nice, nice, and sweet and positive all the time. Mommies are always nice and sweet and supportive and never ever sarcastic or critical.

Well, that's one of my problems with "momness". Moms need to stand up and speak out more often and not always be so darned doormattish, invisible, and inoffensive to absolutely everyone and everything! In fact, that's one of the problems I have with the perception of how women in general should behave. And not just about baby products, but about the current state of the world. There are plenty of issues that moms *should* be getting mad about. Like health care and education and environmental devastation. These moms, for example are keepin' it REAL.

If I were a man with a website about baby products (which hardly exist, with one commendable and entertaining exception) this would be an entirely different story. I could say that a product is not so great, especially when compared to my own fabulous creation. That's business, right? Competition.....oooooohhhh, a scary word for moms. Moms are not supposed to be businesswomen and compete against others in the arena.

But listen, if I *didn't* point out the differences between products, that wouldn't be very useful now, would it? When I go to a website or to a store, I WANT to know how products stack up, and I don't want to hear "You know, they're ALL wonderful in their own way, and I really support them all."

Well why should I buy yours then, when there are ten others that seem the same to me? GIve me the lowdown, dammit. That's the kind of info that I appreciate as a consumer. That's the kind of info I give. Yes, it's my personal opinion. No, you don't have to agree with me. Take what I say with a grain of salt, do the research, and form your own conclusion. But don't get on my case for speaking out about what I think is good and bad, what I like and don't like, and why.

And SECOND of all, since when are "crazy-ass" and "crappy" and "sucks" considered profanity? Where are these people living? Are these the same people that consider the word "butt" profanity? FYI, those words are slang, and I enjoy using slang. So there. I'm very highly educated and I can speak perfect non-slang Queen's English when I choose to, but it's the real me on my website, and I write as I speak. I purposely chose NOT to use a bland "We the corporation" voice in my business, but to be real...one mom speaking her mind and telling you about the products she likes and uses. So suck it.

Personally, I reserve the definition of profanity for words that deserve it. Like "fuck" or "shit". Now if I had said "This shitty motherfucking wrap sucks ass!", I can maybe see people getting upset, but "crappy"? Give me a break, people.

OK, venting over. Aaaargh, freakin' uptight crazy-ass people.

Sesame Street is on and Gloria Estefan is dancing around with the monsters/muppets to a jammin' salsa tune. But she's wearing denim overalls! DENIM OVERALLS! The least flattering clothing item on the planet. No one looks good in denim overalls, and yet there she is, bopping around to a salsa tune in them.

Gloria, the denim overalls aren't you. You're a sexy Latin songstress. I've seen what you usually wear, and it's not denim overalls. What gives? Did someone say to you "It's Sesame Street, look as ugly as possible"?

You know, Maria and Dr. Gina and even Gabby wear stylish clothing on the show. It's not revealing or outlandish or inappropriate, but they wear nice-looking casual outfits. Dr. Gina had a shirt on that I positively coveted in one episode. It was a sort of faux-wraparound neckline, and very chic. So really, you don't have to dress like a dork around kids. I don't ever want to see you in Mom Jeans, OK? Being on Sesame Street is no reason to look homely. Just be yourself next time.

Over and out.

Posted by msLaura at 07:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I had quite a pleasant 36th birthday today.

We just came back from a weeklong trip to North Carolina last night, so today was all about relaxing close to home. Julian and I had breakfast together (oatmeal and tea), then we kicked the ball back and forth and played in the backyard. It felt warm and balmy in the late morning, very nice to be outside.

We have a patch of wet swampy grass over at the far end of the yard, and you have to cross it to get to the hot tub. We also have a lot of lovely large tiles left over from redoing the patio, so I tried out various geometric arrangements of the tiles in the grass to see which were the most comfortable to step across as well as being aesthetically pleasing. I figured out the pattern, but didn't finish arranging the tiles. Still, it was a fun task for a sunny winter morning.

Julian finally took a nap and I sewed up some Wraps for customers and dealt with my Inbox. Over 900 emails....yikes. I have customers waiting for Ergo carriers to be shipped out, and no word on my giant 120+ Ergo carrier order, so I 've been freaking out, sending emails to the Ergo rep, trying to figure out where they are. Aaargh. The perils of running a business. Stressful. Once they get here I'll be set, but what the hell...how can it take more than NINE DAYS to transport a few boxes from Southern CA to Northern CA? Pain in my freakin' ASS.

I had a great phone conversation with a guy at an ad firm in NYC, a friend of a friend. He needs someone to do some basic HTML and Flash development part-time, on an hourly project basis. It sounds like easy work, and all the details will have been hammered out and nailed down ahead of time, so no changes and no haggling and no wanting to strangle the client for me. So looks like I got a sweet new low-stress job for a birthday present!

Last night Dan took me to a restaurant we've been eyeing for some time...Arcadia in downtown San Jose. Our meal was absolutely flawless, one of the best I've had in a very long time. Our waiter was a true professional as well and smooth as silk, which is fairly rare these days, but always appreciated. We were actually goofing on him at first, because he was just so polished and practiced and letter-perfect...almost a *caricature* of a waiter, but after about five minutes our goofing turned to pure admiration.

Our menu, which was fantastic and all went together beautifully:

Cocktails:
Cucumber Martini (me)
Delicious and refreshing. I'm not a gin drinker, but I could be if all gin drinks tasted like this. Good gin with cucumber essence, whatever that is. Nice.
Negroni (Dan)
Dan was impressed that they got the orange peel curl exactly perfect, just as as the true and original Negroni should be. Actually, we're not sure if they flamed the burst of orange peel oils over the glass first according to the Completely Anal Negroni Cocktail Instructions, but apparently it was damned impressive anyways.

Small Tasting Plate
Ice Cold Oysters, Littleneck Clams, Local Dungeness Crab, Spiced Gulf Prawns, and Marinated Scallop Ceviche. Amazing champagne mignonette, tiny little bottles of Tabasco, and cocktail sauce.

Coconut Curried Prawns on a Crepe filled with Parsnip Puree
We thought the prawns were good, but then we soaked up some of the sauce and that was even better, and then the crepe with parsnip puree WITH the sauce and some prawn....heaven.

Make-your-own-salad
This sounds like a pain, but basically they present you with a list of really good salad ingredients and you check off what you want with a pencil. Ours turned out great. I don't even remember what we had in it, but it was incredible, best salad I think I've ever had.

Maine Lobster Pot Pie
A signature Arcadia dish, they cook a 2.5 pound Maine Lobster in a ceramic pot with a delicious lobster cream sauce and all different kinds of amazing baby veggies and chanterelle muchrooms. There is a slightly cripsy biscuity thin perfect crust over the whole thing. Oh my word. It did not disappoint. No work or picking required. Our waiter took the lobster out of the pot already cracked, then elegantly reassembled it in the original lobster shape on the serving dish. Nice touch.

Dessert was some kind of butterscotch bread pudding, which I can't remember the exact description of, but which was as flawless as the rest of the meal, and Dan had an exquisite chocolate patisserie with multiple layers of ganache in it, and cherry granita in a tiny crispy edible ice cream cone cup.

Oh, and a perfect Napa Sauvignon Blanc from Rudd (I think?) to accompany everything. Nott too dry or too sweet.

Honestly, I wish that I were a ruminant and had 4-5 stomachs so that I could have tried more dishes. If I am ever stuck on a desert island, that Arcadia meal will be the one that I'll dream about.

We were hoping that Ashley the SuperSitter would have Julian fast asleep by the time we got home, but alas, it was not to be. He was still wide awake, so then I spent another hour and a half getting him to sleep. After that I was so tired that I went to bed and passed out almost immediately. Not exactly the perfect end to the day, but oh well. That's life.

Posted by msLaura at 07:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Laura Hamilton is on assignment this month.

That's what Dan advised that I should say. My, what a negligent journalist I have been! (sorry Mom ;-) No excuses, but I was ultra-busy finishing up my job at Yahoo through the first part of May!, and then I was super-busy catching up on my personal life, errands, house and garden work, all of which were sorely neglected during the Yahoo! crunch. (But our house and garden are now fabulous! Pics coming soon!)

We went to the North Shore of Kauai for 12 days and had a wonderful time (stories coming soon). Then we came back and I immediately started jamming on my new venture, The Portable Baby, and I've been spending all my free time getting that up and running, products ordered, website designed and developed, etc. Whew!

So now I'm trying to slow down a little. I have a lot more to do, but need a bit of downtime. I got waaay too busy. When I don't make a journal entry for over a month, you know things are crazy. But hey, check out the pics from Kauai, check out The Portable Baby website, and you'll see that I haven't just been sitting around eating bonbons. I've got stories to tell, though.

Just one little brag before I go...Julian is diaper-free! He went full-bore on the potty-training while we were in Kauai, starting in the airplane (take me now! hand signals), and was so diligent about it that I just put shorts on him every day and skipped the diaper. He's kept it up ever since. Yeehaw! I'm very impressed. I like to think of the thousands of dirty diapers I'm keeping out of the landfills, it gives me a warm glow. Seriously...that's a HUGE amount of waste prevented. Who says one person can't make a difference?

Posted by msLaura at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I think things are looking up. No major snot this morning from Julian's nose. A bit of fussing and whining, but not nonstop like the past few days. He still has trouble laying down to sleep without massive infusions of cold medicine to unstuff his nose...in fact, he is sleeping on my back in his Kozy Carrier right now.

At 12:30pm he was still climbing all over me and totally fired up in bed, with raspiness and snot-rattling every time I tried to lay him down. Ashley comes over at 2:00pm, so I made the executive decision to put him in his KC for yet another nap, since that's the sure-fire method of getting him asleep in less than 5 minutes. This time it took about 3 minutes, tops. I put him in his KC and then sit on an exercise ball and bounce gently. TKO in no time! It pretty much kills my back to wear 23 pounds on my back while sitting in a chair typing for an hour, but oh well. Good thing I come from sturdy German/Norwegian stock, that's all I can say.

Cute Baby J story that I actually remembered to include here:

Julian Baker, Master of Communication

The other morning Julian woke me up to pee at his usual time, about 7:00am. Usually he stays up after that, but he is so tired from being sick and not sleeping enough that he fell back asleep on the toilet *while* peeing. I carried him back to bed and laid him down next to me, since I was exhausted and sick too.

He barely opened his eyes, struggled to his knees, and gave me the sign for "milk" (opening and closing of the hand). I pulled him in and nursed him, and he sighed with contentment. He started to go back to sleep, but then heard a bird loudly peeping outside the window. With his eyes closed, he unlatched just long enough to announce to me, "DUCK!" and then went back to nursing himself to sleep.

So yes, we have three words now: DOGGIE, DADDY, and DUCK. Mama, I'm not sure about. He doesn't really ever use it to refer to me, it's more like an amusing sound he makes from time to time.

DUCK came about during a walk on the Los Gatos Creek Trail the other day. Thee are tons of birds in the Creek and the big groundwater recharge percolation ponds nearby, especially ducks and Canada Geese. Little Man was pointing at ducks as we walked by, so I told him "DUCK", and, duck being a single-syllable D-word, he picked up on it right away. Then we passed some geese, and he said "duck!" and pointed to them excitedly. Hmmm, well...'geese, not ducks', said the taxonomist in me, but J wasn't too jazzed about the word goose. OK, OK, close enough. More ducks, which he correctly identified. Then some coots, which were also labeled as ducks. And the final insult...a pigeon flew up, landed near our feet, and Little Man proudly proclaimed it a "duck!". Not one to rain on anyone's parade, I decided to just go along with it. "That's right, DUCK!", I said. What the hell.

Here's the formula then:

Animal with 4 legs = DOGGIE

Animal with 2 legs = DUCK

I've tried to clarify the situation, using complicated terms as BIRD. I have pointed out repeatedly that horses and lions and all kinds of other animals have their own names and are not all DOGGIES, but he just looks at me like I'm nuts. *He* knows what's up. Doggies and Ducks, that's all there is to it! What part don't I understand?

He is not only walking now, but running! Never mind that he hasn't exactly mastered walking yet, and still falls down all the time... big, dramatic cartoony falls where he practically does 360 degree aerial somersaults. I keep looking around for the banana peel on the floor.

BOTH legs fly up in the air most of the time, and sometimes he'll almost click his heels together before he falls down. It's really very funny. And he has somehow managed to avoid any major trauma up until now, knock wood. He'll fall BOOM with his head just millimeters away from some sharp furniture edge or corner of the wall, and I sweat bullets. But what can you do? I can't exactly round off every single surface in our house. We're as childproofed as you can possibly be. I just hope our lucky streak continues. Cross your fingers for us.

Ogre Mother has been making an appearance lately. I don't like her at all. I wish she would go away.

Ogre Mother takes over when I'm feeling very stressed, sick, tired, or D: all of the above. When Ogre Mother is in the house and Julian starts up his nonstop crying/whining routine, it matters not that Julian's Real Mama knows that he's just feeling miserable/sick/tired. Ogre Mother needs that crying/whining/fussing to STOP RIGHT NOW. CUT IT OUT. NOW. or else she will go berserk and start throwing dishes and screaming obscenities and beating the other occupants of the household.

That explains why a nice loving mama like me actually put her screaming boy in his room, closed the door, and let him scream bloody murder for 5-10 minutes the other day while she washed a few dishes and took a little tour of the yard. It was all Ogre Mother's fault. She couldn't take it. And the Real Mama didn't want any dish-throwing or obscenity yelling or beatings to happen, so she put J in his room for safekeeping until she could wrestle the Ogre Mother back into her cave and make her go away. Sigh.

Happily, J didn't seem to suffer any permanent trauma as a result, except that he had hiccups from crying so much for ten minutes straight. But methinks he would have been crying anyways. Real Mama felt awful. But it was better than letting Ogre Mother have her way.

The only reason that I telling you this is that there is a Code of Silence that mothers typically never break. I am just realizing this Code exists. It's somewhat sinister. Basically, the Code says that you must only talk lovingly about your offspring, and proclaim loudly at all times how wonderful and miraculous motherhood is. What you don't EVER do is tell people that you almost lost your mind today from the kid screaming or biting or whatever normal horrible thing that all kids do to drive their mothers absolutely bonkers.

True, motherhood IS wonderful and magical. But there are also times when your adorable child drives you insane and you fantasize about strangling them, giving them away to passing strangers, or maybe just slapping them silly. I really think all moms have these fantasies and are horrified by them...luckily not all of us act on them, though sadly some do. I always joke that I'm about to sell Julian on eBay for a $0.01 starting bid ('cause I'm geeky like that).

I confessed to some other moms in playgroup today that I put Julian in his room and let him scream for ten minutes when I JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. And every one of them had done the same at some point. But were any of them talking about it? Hell NO! As far as I knew, I was the only mom losing her shit last week and everyone else had picture-perfect storybook kids and nothing but smiles and giggles. Wrong!

So I'm blowing the Code of Silence. I don't think it helps anyone. All kids drive their parents crazy sometimes, and all parents feel like they are going to lose it at some point. Can we just admit that and find better ways to deal with it? It doesn't make any of us bad, just normal.

What else in Julian news? Let's see...my previously unfussy eater is now picky about everything that I put in front of him. Probably just this stupid flu making yet another aspect of my life incredibly difficult. He will still eat eggs and string cheese. But everything else is hit or miss. I'm just really glad that he's still nursing, because at least I know he's still getting some good nutrition. The downside is that he's nursing like a newborn...every 2-3 hours the milk sign comes out, 24 hours a day. Ninety percent of the time I don't mind, the benefits far outweigh the disadvantages, but sometimes I really wish he'd eat some mashed veggies instead, know what I mean?

His bottom molars are all the way through the gums, the top molars are halfway through, and we're almost there with his canines, both top and bottom. The end is in sight, as far as teething.

Come May, I'm done with my job. The HELL with that job. I'm so sick of it and so stressed out by it, I just can't wait until it's over, honestly. Maybe my big fear will come true and I'll turn into a vegetable with nothing interesting to say to anyone if I don't work a corporate job anymore, but I doubt it. With large daily doses of NPR I think I can avoid that. I think Stay At Home Mom has to be better than Bitchy Stressed to the Max Mom. I know everyone in this house would agree.

OK, that's it for now. Except that I'm now selling the fabulous and indispensable Ergo baby back carriers for $89 (standard retail price), and making my own wrap carriers (for littler babies) out of lovely soft and durable 100% hemp summercloth. Hand-dyed in beautiful colors, with little details you can't find in other carriers. Sixty-nine bucks. My own design! I'll post something more when I can. My next venture.

Posted by msLaura at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Work SUCKS. Like an IDIOT, I signed up to help out a big division of Yahoo! (which shall remain nameless) with some product mockups, and it has turned into the project from HELL. Sucks up every spare moment of the day, and I don't even get any of those to begin with. I'm up every night until midnight-1:00am working on this crap. AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!

So yeah, that's why you haven't heard from me lately. The only reason you're hearing from me right now is that Julian is taking an incredible 2.5 hour (so far) nap, and I just said fu-- this, I'm going to make a teeny, tiny, very short journal entry just to let people know that I'm still alive.

Strangely enough, now that I've decided to not do web design work anymore, the job offers and inquiries are pouring in. It's completely ridiculous. I had 4-5 recruiters contact me just last week. The Universe is seriously playing with me. I even interviewed a nanny today just to see what was up, and she was great, but it would cost over $900/month just to have her come over 2 days a week, and I'm not ready or able to part with that much cash. I mean, what would I be working for, just to pay the nanny? And if we go on a vacation or leave town, I still have to pay her, even if she's not working. Hey, I know...she still has to eat, even if we decide to take off somewhere, but yeeesh.

Julian is walking and seems to understand most of what I say. He is also eating like a champ all of a sudden...waaaaay more than he ever has in the past. Total developmental burst!

We had a very VERY rough patch for about two weeks right when Ashley the Babysitter was on vacation in Costa Rica. J had TEN new teeth coming in all at once, including four molars and four canines. You will hear parents moaning and groaning and bewailing their very existence when even ONE molar or ONE canine makes its appearance, so pity poor me with FOUR molars, FOUR canines and then two other teeth to boot all coming in. Actually, pity poor Julian, but hell...he won't remember this dark period and I will. Plus THEN he got a cold and couldn't breathe or sleep. Tylenol was my only friend, it relieved his pain enough for him to sleep, and for me to regain a tiny shred of my sanity after a full day of nonstop whining and crying and fussing and hitting me in the face, and a full night of wheezing, restlessness, coughing and crying.

Glad to say THAT seems to be over for now, and my smiling, fun-loving boy is back. It was apparently all pain-induced, poor baby boy. And can I just say THANK GOD I am still nursing this baby? Because that was his and my only comfort throughout that horrible sick-teething spell. It made him feel better and it made me feel like I could do something for him rather than just look into his red-bumpy, inflamed mouth and suck snot out of his nose with a bulb.

Posted by msLaura at 11:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, that last entry was just about the most boring ever, eh? Sorry, sometimes I need to think things through with my fingers.

I'm probably going to let my job die a natural death in May, be laid off, collect my severance, and move on. I was talking to Dan about it and he asked me, "Well, how long do you *want* to keep working there?" Um, with no Baby J, I'd be happy working there for a long time, I guess. But *with* Baby J...no.

Computer work and kids just don't mesh. When I'm working on my computer, I'm gone from the neck up. I don't want to be interrupted at all, and there's nothing that Baby J can learn from watching me, you know? If I am working with my hands making something, or talking to people, he can pick up on that and be part of it, or play alongside me, but computer work? Forget it. Like what, he's going to learn HTML by sitting next to me playing? And our office is *so* not childproofed, and probably never will be.

Now for the real news...Julian took his first steps on March 10th! He's still pretty teeter-tottery, but he *loves* walking and cruising, he's just fired up all day long now. He still speed-crawls to get around, because it's faster and easier for him, but today he was walking a lot more. I set up his Ikea play bench in the kitchen while I was in there cooking, and a foldout two-step stool a few feet away for him to practice walking back and forth.

At one point I heard a noise behind me as I was stirring something...I turned around to find myself almost face-to-face with Julian! The little monkey had climbed up the stepstool and was standing on TOP of the second rung, not holding on to anything at all, just waving his hands excitedly with a big grin on his face. Ack! Circus baby!

Julian's favorite and maybe only word is "doggie". He has said "Mama" and "Daddy" in the past, but now it's all about doggie. He just worships the ground that Bugs walks on. When he hears Bugs coming over to see him in the morning he freaks out with joy and starts calling "Doggie!"

Posted by msLaura at 01:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have a weird dilemma that is eating away at me, and I'm not sure what to do.

My job at Yahoo! is supposed to end in May, when Resumix goes kaput and our fantastic award-winning products that I shortened my lifespan producing are end-of-lifed. (Yes, a long sentence for a long story.)

I have been working from home like a banshee during Julian's naps, and when Ashley comes to babysit in the afternoons 3x/week. Sometimes I don't have a project to work on (yes!), but most of the time I do. It's actually a great deal for me. I get to stay home with my baby and still collect my salary and benefits. Who could ask for more, right?

Except that it stresses me OUT trying to cram in all this work during my few spare moments. It means that I never get any time to myself at all, because I'm either doing baby care, cleaning/cooking/choring while doing baby care, or working away on my computer.

I've finally got a pretty good network of other moms that I can call up to do baby outings with on short notice, summer is coming, Julian is really fun to play with, and I want to do yoga, make jewelry, garden, sew, and update this journal more than once a freakin' week or two, among 78,598 other activities that float through my head on a daily basis.

Right now, for example...Julian is napping. I have a bunch of new photos to put up, but then I won't have time to write. I have Yahoo! work to be doing right now, so I shouldn't be doing either writing OR photos, but I'm hoping that I can wait until Ashley comes and then just jam on my Yahoo! work and get it at least partially done. It's a constant juggling act, and I always feel like a student with a paper due tomorrow morning, and right now it's midnight and I haven't done crap.

So I've been looking forward to May, because then I don't have to try to cram in all this work anymore and stress out like crazy about how long J naps, or whether Ashley can come babysit an extra day this week. I won't have that awful little voice nagging at me..."You have work to do Laura, the customer is waiting for you. You're getting behiiiiind!" That voice makes me really crabby whenever I hear it bitching at me.

I get a severance package and then a year of unemployment benefits when my job ends, so that's a sweet deal, except that it's an even sweeter deal *financially* for me to still be employed and have great health insurance and lucrative stock options still vesting and a 401K with 25% matching. Duh, right?

Getting to the point, I have the opportunity to do some work for our parent division and therefore possibly keep my job *after* May by working for them. They really need someone with my skillset, starting right now. That means that I'll have TWICE the amount of work that I have currently, and I will also have to deal with their team in New York. So WAY more stress trying to juggle everything between work and home, and that's just exactly what I don't want right now.

But then again, bringing home some bacon and fattening up my retirement account is pretty compelling, and keeping my techie career alive in case I need (or want) it at some point in the future is a good idea too.

One more thing. If I take this job that I don't want, and then can't hack it, I'll have to quit. That means no severance, no unemployment benefits, nada. And that's the worst option of all.

The parent division sent me the project details and links, and is waiting for me to evaluate whether I can do the work, and how much time I can put in each week. So this is the time to decide what to do. If I want to keep my job, I start in on the project (how?? with what time???). If not, I tell them I can't do it, or I can only do 5 hours a week or something like that.

Crap! The babysitter is coming in 12 minutes, J is still napping (naked, which means he needs to have clothes put on him), the house is a wreck, and I have a buttload of work to do (both for Resumix AND I still need to evaluate this project) during the three hours that Ashley will be here today. DAMMIT! Aaaaarggghhh!

Well, if you have any ideas for me, let me know, wouldja?<

Posted by msLaura at 01:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Julian's latest stats from his 9-month checkup:

• Weight: 19 pounds, 11 ounces (40th percentile)


• Height: 28.5 inches (50th percentile)


• Head circumference: 46.25 centimeters (60th percentile)

I am trying to make sure he eats more, mostly because in daycare he ate *sooooo* much and with me he doesn't seem interested. In the course of a single day at daycare with Madi he would eat two 4oz. jars of baby food, a whole banana, 10-20 organic Cheerios-type cereal O's, eight ounces of pumped breastmilk, and then I would come and nurse him at lunch, so add another 4-5 ounces of milk on top of that.

With me he will eat the cereal O's and maybe half a jar of food, a few bites of banana, maybe some avocado. He's just not interested. I'm trying to nurse him more, but he's not so interested in that during the day. I think I just have to do it more frequently. He's so busy lately that he just wants to eat on the go and then get back to his job, which is learning to crawl and pull up and explore as fast as possible. Oh, and he also makes up for it by nursing all freakin' night long. Which is OK. It makes sense. Just sometimes my back or hips hurt and I'd love to be able to stretch out and sleep in different positions besides the old side-nursing standby...curled up on my side with one arm outstretched above his head.

Still, this stage certainly won't last forever...someday he'll be independent and I'll be wishing that he still wanted to snuggle with me like this. It is incredible waking up to his sweet smiling little face first thing every morning. He's so full of love, and so happy to see me. He pats me and smiles like crazy, and talks to me until I wake up. When I open my eyes he acts like it's the greatest thing in the world. His mama is awake! Hooray! We go potty, and then we play in bed for a while, then it's time to go downstairs for breakfast and playtime and maybe a little Sesame Street every now and then.

The last week has been incredible. A week ago Julian did very slow, hesitant crawling (with lots of forward/backward rocking) and could *barely* pull himself up. This week he crawls quite fast, he sees an object and makes a beeline for it, leaving me to eat his dust. He can crawl while holding a toy in his hand. He can pull himself up on just about anything, and he stands with just one arm holding on. He can also sit back down by himself, which I think is great.

I wrote last week about how Julian holds onto the headboard of the bed while I crawl up to him and nibble his thigh, which makes him *squeeeeeeeal* with excitement, especially if I announce beforehand that I am coming over to eat him. Well, last night I was laying down watching him pull himself up on the headboard, sit down, pull up, sit down, pull up...and then as he was standing there he looked at me with a big grin on his face and reached down with one hand to pat his knee. Then he looked at me again, grinning, and patted his knee one more time. I couldn't figure out what he was doing, so *I* patted his knee the same way he had, and he squealed a little bit.

Aha! This funny baby wanted me to come and nibble his leg while he was standing up holding the headboard. "OK Mama...I'll stand up here and then YOU pretend to come and eat me and I'LL pretend to be really really scared!" Sure enough, I moved back a little bit and then came towards him saying, "I'm coming to eat up this delicious little standing-up baby! Grrrrrr! Give me a piece of that cute chubby thigh! Mmmmmmm!", and before I even got within a foot of him he was laughing and squealing like crazy, pretending to be scared. It was SOOOOOOO funny, we were both in hysterics. Not only is he a very funny baby, but also a very effective communicator!

He can also get out of his bouncy chair by himself. He leans forward, puts his feet down, holds on to the chair, and then plops himself down on the floor into a crawling position and takes off. We don't use the bouncy chair too much anymore, but when he is too tired to play, but not tired enough to sleep, it still works just great. He still loves to bounce himself, especially if a Baby Einstein video is playing.

I'm worried about TV. He doesn't watch TV every single day, but most days he watches half an hour of Sesame Street or a half-hour Baby Einstein video. He's really not supposed to watch any TV at all, but it gives me some breathing room, and when he is tired and crabby but not sleeping it relaxes him. I'm much more worried about him watching TV commercials than I am about him watching Baby Einstein or Sesame Street. He doesn't see too many of those, mostly just if the TV is on during the weekend, if Dan is watching football or something like that. But commercials....they have psychologists working to figure out how to best manipulate people into buying products, or thinking they need X to be socially accepted. Children's' commercials are even worse. How are little baby and kid brains supposed to compete with adult psychologists who are trying frantically to manipulate them? I think Tivo is a great product anyway, but if I can eliminate all the commercials when watching TV, then Tivo is definitely worth every penny. Something to look into.

In the latest work news, I got my job back. Yes, for the second time I managed to talk my way out of getting laid off. Not because I have a silver tongue or anything, but because in both cases I have been wrongfully let go, and management is apparently smoking crack instead of making logical decisions. When I was told the news face-to-face I launched into a diatribe about how our customers were going to sue Resumix when they found out they couldn't make changes to their job boards anymore. Big-time breach of contract. Not like they haven't been told that before, but I guess they just weren't listening.

Anyway, there were a lot more lies and BS flying around, so I contacted HR and told them what was up, how Yahoo! was risking a mass of customer lawsuits when all they had to do was keep me around for a while to take care of change requests. I mean, I only work part-time for cryin' out loud...I'm cheap! Our fabulous HR rep managed to get me my job back for at least the next six months, so I'm officially employed again. Well, I'm waiting for the reinstatement letter, but it's supposedly forthcoming. The best part is that there's almost no one in the office anymore, so no reason for me to ever show up. I'll just check my email every day, and if there's work to be done, I'll do it from home. I don't need to pay for daycare anymore, so I might actually have a little bit of spending money to get my hair colored and cut.

It's a bit weird not going to work anymore, I have to admit. I love being home with Julian, especially right now when he is changing and growing so unbelievably fast. But sometimes I don't talk to an adult all day. Even if Dan is home, he is very busy working. Julian only takes one nap now, so all the rest of the day I am playing with him, watching him, bathing him, feeding him, cooking/cleaning while trying to keep him entertained, or taking him and the dog for a walk. It is great, but at the same time it gets lonely. And it is so nonstop...I feel like I get nothing done. I do get a lot done when I think about it, I mean, we eat home-cooked meals most of the time, wear clean clothes, and the kitchen is usually clean, plus Julian is happy and healthy and not festering in his own waste or anything. It's just that I wish I could have something to show for myself at the end of the day besides a clean, tired, healthy baby, a walked dog and a mostly clean house. Look, I wove this basket today! You know, something tangible like that.

I feel like what I do is so unrecognized and so abstract, plus when people ask how I'm doing or what I'm up to, it just doesn't sound impressive to give the very long list of chores I did that day. It makes me sound like some kind of scullery maid. I'm pretty sure that I'm just looking at this the wrong way, but that's what it feels like. I could say, "I did these 125 chores today, and I also nurse the baby all night long, wake up several times a night to make sure he's warm and covered, and get up with him at 6:15am and start it all over again", but that doesn't get me any respect at all. If I wove a basket though, people would think that's an achievement. "Wow, cool! How long have you been basket-weaving?"

Plus, as I said, it gets lonely. I'm choring nonstop all day, and sometimes I just wish I could have a mom friend living next door, you know...to have tea with, blow off some steam, watch the babies play. I do go to playgroup once a week, but lately it's all about the babies and the moms don't talk that much. What talking there is, I can't relate to. It's all about weaning, letting your baby cry it out at night, the struggle of changing poopy diapers. I'm not planning on weaning Julian anytime soon, I don't let him cry it out, and I don't change poopy diapers because he does 99% of his pooping in the toilet. Which just outlines how different my style is...the World Health Organization recommends 2 years minimum of breastfeeding, Julian sleeps with me in bed (not in a crib by himself) and then there's the whole potty training thing...which I feel like I'm slacking on lately, but then I realize that we almost never *have* any poopy diapers, and listening to everyone else we're WAY ahead of the game.

Oh well, big ups and downs. If I just had a bit more companionship on a regular basis, I think everything would be ducky. When I think about it, my life is pretty great, I just feel a bit isolated, that's all. I know plenty of like-minded moms online, but in the real world I don't know very many. Maybe I'll put an ad on Craig's List or something. There are a lot of things that I want to do with Julian, I just wish that we had another mom and baby pair to do them *with*.

OK, on that note I'm going to spend some time with Dan before going to bed.

Posted by msLaura at 07:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, apparently I was laid off yesterday, but no one bothered to inform me. Nice. I only found out when I tried to check my work email and my username/password was denied. Then John came over with news about some fellow employees who were *at* their desks when they came by with the pink slips. I called Peter and we dished about it for a while. Thank goodness he has another job lined up at Yahoo, now he just needs to get the OK to start.

So no more daycare for Julian. I have to go in and tell Madi today. She'll be sad. I get a few months severance pay, plus I have about four weeks of vacation accrued, and then it's unemployment after that. I'll use the money to buy groceries while I work on my PhotoJournal idea. Yahoo! dropped the ball on it after initially showing great interest. Well, screw Yahoo! My friend John Chang and I are going to see if we can pull it off on our own. At least we can build out the product enough to sell it to someone. I still think it's a fantastic idea. I already have the domain name...http://www.photo-journals.net. But don't click yet, it's not set up.

So today I'm just going to bring Julian into the office with me. He can crawl around while I pack up my boxes. If my cute baby helps add a little bit of guilt factor, that's fine. Not that I expect any guilt from these cold-blooded fools, but I might as well try. I'm also going to ask what will happen to all the customers who will be left in the lurch. I tend to think they might be a little inclined to sue, having spent a large amount of money on a good product that is now no longer supported by anyone.

It's heartbreaking. Just as we got a fantastic product out the door and started to turn things around, management just utterly failed. All the hours and days and nights of work put in tirelessly over the last two years by the engineers, the support people, ME...all for naught. It just feels horrible.

But I'm optimistic about my future. I'm smart and ambitious, and I'm excited about working on my own projects for a while. I'm just worried that with Julian out of daycare, I won't have time to get anything done. That boy had better be taking some long naps, that's all I have to say! ;-) No, but seriously, I just need to be more disciplined and not spend his naps emailing or surfing or cleaning house, and not watch movies with Dan at night when Julian is sleeping. There IS time available, but I just need to be careful how I use it, that's all.

Well, today is going to be a very busy day, so I had better get to it. More soon...

Posted by msLaura at 07:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Time to snap out of my black post-election depression and get on with things. There's work to be done. Things are what they are. Doesn't help to sit around crying about oh, say...the possibility of 3 Bush-selected Supreme Court Justices. You just have to buck up and start fighting.

This kind of fight is a hard slog uphill. It's on the same scale as the battles in The Lord of the Rings. Basically, it's Good vs. Evil. Very heavy odds stacked against Good. But the good LOTR guys did win in the end, despite heavy losses and widespread devastation of the environment. I just hope there's a fairy-tale ending for Good in real life. It sure feels like Evil has the upper hand right now.

Cute babies work well to lighten the mood. Julian is such a crackup lately. He can crawl forwards and backwards now. Not very fast, but he can certainly get around. He is having a big mobility burst...crawling, scooting, pulling himself up on things. It's so much fun to watch him monkey around and explore things that he couldn't get to before.

He is fascinated by the cabinets underneath the TV. He makes a beeline for each cabinet, opens it up and starts taking out the videos that we keep inside. He examines each one carefully, then puts it aside and takes out the next.

The teething and cold combined made for a tough couple of weeks. Poor Baby J was not feeling good at all, and became correspondingly fussy and sleepless. When Baby's not happy, Mama's not happy. It goes both ways. If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...but a miserable baby makes for a miserable mama. Poor J wasn't having any fun and he wasn't sleeping either. All he wanted to do was nurse, but his sore teeth also make him want to gnaw a little to relieve the discomfort. That gets old *fast*, believe me.

We all still have runny noses and coughs. This cold really sucks. It fades in and out. Just when you think you're getting better, you wake up the next morning with a sore throat and reach for a tissue. Julian's nose will be dry all day, then the next day it runs like a faucet. Damn cold just keeps hanging on.

Julian loves to pull himself up on the headboard of the bed and stand there. Then he runs his hand up and down the IKEA rattan, which makes an interesting percussive sound, almost like a washboard.

Last night I sat him on the bed over by the headboard so that he could pull himself up. Once he was standing I came slowly towards his leg and kissed and bit it, then pulled back again. Every time I came at him to bite his leg and kiss his belly he squealed his brains out in anticipation. He couldn't let go of the headboard, so he had to let me come and bite his thigh. Then he got more confident of his balance and used one hand to try to fend off the tickle brigade. That threw him off, he started doing a wobbly wiggle of pelvic thrusts while holding onto the headboard with one hand, and the other in the air like he was riding a mechanical bull. It was so funny it made me kiss his belly more until we both were laughing hysterically.

He is a funny little guy. He always gets physical jokes. Songs, peekaboo games, surprises...they crack him up. It's very funny when the teacher at school sings a song to him, it's funny when I toss a little soccer ball into his lap quickly over and over, it's funny when the dog runs into the room squeaking his toy. He also loves to look at other babies and kids. A photo of a smiling baby or small child will send him over the moon, he looks at it and smiles at it and can't get enough of it.

We're having such a good time (and he's changing so fast) that I don't see why I'm bothering to go to work. I don't have anything to do most the time when I'm there, and anything that does come up I can take care of from home on my laptop. Honestly, the only reason I go into the office at all is because I have to pay for daycare a minimum of 2 days/week to keep Julian's spot there. That and my respect for Peter. While he's my manager, I think it looks better for him if I show up on a regular basis. But once he's gone, there's no point. I may just give up Julian's spot in daycare, I don't know yet. I have to think about it. It would save me a lot of money. But it saves me a lot of anguish knowing that I can leave him with a teacher he knows AND where he has a good time playing with his friends. Once he leaves, his spot will be taken, and I don't have any other childcare options. It's a tough decision.

Dan and I bid on an incredible house in the neighborhood and didn't get it. The winners bid $50K over the asking price and offered cash. So we rode a wild roller coaster for a few days, imagining ourselves living in this fantastic house, then it was all over and our hopes were dashed. Kind of like the election.

But it got a fire lit under us to make our dreams happen and find a home for the long-term. Not that our townhouse isn't nice, it is. But there's no yard, and we've taken it as far as we can go. I have my eye on a cottage right in downtown Campbell (which is cute and funky and not overly gentrified yet) on an amazing *half acre* of land. You can walk to shops and restaurants, even Trader Joe's and Safeway! Also parks and trails nearby, and TRAIN TRACKS. I do love to hear a train go by...what a soulful sound. The house is almost abandoned right now and needs a lot of work, but has great historical character and excellent bones. It's small, but we could easily add on to it. There's a barn/garage out back that would make a great office/workshop/playroom and look great fixed up too. And there's a chicken coop! Good school district...farmers' markets on Saturdays one block away. It potentially has everything we want. We just need to get them down on price so that we have some money to remodel. And we need somewhere to stay while fixing the place up enough to live in it.

Dinner, dinner...what to make for dinner. I am making some crappy dinners lately, that's for sure. I've got little money for groceries with my puny paycheck, but I do get my weekly organic veggie box. Unfortunately the veggie box has all the veggies that Dan hates right now...kale, chard, acorn squash and green beans. I also don't have a lot of time to make meals. We're eating very healthy, but it's very simple fare, and not quite up to our previous standards. Oh well.

Speaking of dinner, I guess I had better get a move on while Julian is sleeping. Ooops, spoke too soon, there he is chirping like a baby bird from the other room....

Posted by msLaura at 05:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Today was Dan's 32nd birthday, his first as a Daddy. Last night at midnight Julian, Bugs and me congratulated him on his birthday and presented him with his present, a new Camelbak backpack/water carrier. Then we played with Julian for a while and filmed videos of his cute behavior (squealing, hand clapping, playing with his ball) until everyone got tired and went to bed.

Julian has been so tired from playing in school and not napping that he just sleeps all the time at home. He took a bunch of naps yesterday and then went to bed at 6:00pm and didn't wake up until shortly before midnight. Since it was so close to Dan's birthday we let him stay up and play with us for an hour or so, then back to bed. He went to bed at 6:00pm on Friday too, and didn't wake up until the next morning at 7:00pm. I'm just so glad he's catching up on his sleep. He must be incredibly tired on school days, but it's too exciting for him to go to sleep easily there.

So this morning we got up and played, then took an hour nap from 8-9:00. We drove to Woodside and had lunch at the Woodside Bakery, then went for a hike in the hills above Woodside. It was a beautiful cloudy day, nice hiking in the redwoods. Then to Menlo Park to visit Dan's chef friend Mike Jewell at his restaurant there. Home for a quick shower and another nap for Julian, then birthday dinner at House of Genji (Benihana-style) with 10 friends. What a day! It was a lot of fun, and Little Man made it through breakfast, lunch and dinner out in restaurants without behaving badly. He was so good. The only thing that happened was that I took my eye off him to arrange the high chair and he grabbed my beer and tipped it into my lap. Oh well, no big deal.

Julian is crawling backwards. He hasn't figured out forwards yet, but it's not far off. It's fun to put him down and watch him go. He's having such a good time with his newfound mobility, limited as it is.

So this week I'm apparently going to lose my job. Resumix is being sold off from Yahoo! I'm either going to

1) get a severance package

2) get offered a job with the new company under the new ownership

3) get offered a new job with Yahoo! Hot Jobs

I just want to stay within Yahoo! if at all possible, because I love Yahoo!, my benefits are great, and I am currently working internally to try to sell *this* very photojournal web page as a prototype. I think the Yahoo! PhotoJournal is a great idea. If you could easily set up a page just like this one with an updatable journal on top and photos on bottom, wouldn't that be great? I ended up having to make this page myself with HTML (note: this refers to my old format), but I'd be the first customer for some easy-to-use interface for creating and updating a site like mine. So far I've met with a few people and they really like the idea and want to move forward. It's very exciting. Our next meeting is tomorrow. I don't know where it will lead, but I'm going after it full-bore.

If I get laid off or offered a new position in the new company, I'm not sure what I'll do. It's all very hairy. I want to work part-time. I refuse to work full-time. That makes things very tricky indeed. I also need good benefits and salary, because childcare is expensive and eats up a lot of my take-home pay. I'm really working for the great benefits, not so much the money. Free health insurance plan, for example. 401K. Stock options.

If I get laid off, I won't be able to keep Julian in childcare, so he'll lose his place there, and they are currently filled up. It's all too much to think about. There are too many possibilities and little to no control over the outcome, so I'm just doing all I can and hoping for the best. I should know the final outcome by Wednesday of next week.

Posted by msLaura at 07:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Still sick today, so both baby and I are staying home. Just wanted to enter the latest stats as of 8/13/2004, at 25 weeks old (about six months):

Height: 26.5 inches

Weight: 18 pounds, 3 ounces

Head circumference: 45 centimeters

Big boy!

Monday, August 23rd, 2004

I have to take a pic of these new teeth, they look so funny. He looks like he's wearing one of those inbred hick-looking fake dental prostheses, 'cause he just has four little nubs sticking out of his gums. Hysterical.

Today I did the unthinkable. I have a cold and feel crappy, so I called in sick to work and took Julian to daycare and had several HOURS of free time. No way! Of course, I spent most of it updating pics here and emailing instead of cleaning out my filthy car or anything too useful like that. But hey, updating this journal is important too!

Lots of babbling lately. He says, "Ba ba ba ba ba" and "La la la la" and even "Da da da da", but sadly, no "Ma ma ma ma" yet. He talks up a blue streak though...just starts talking and keeps going, like he's giving the Gettysburg Address. He sounds very important and serious when he talks, it's kind of hard to believe that it's not really words yet.

Dan and I watched the "Sign with your Baby" video yesterday. I want to start doing sign language with Julian soon. The gist is that babies can communicate with sign language before they can verbally say words, also it helps develop their language centers in the brain so that they end up usually being better at verbal language later on. Being able to communicate prevents a lot of frustration..they can tell you they want more of something, or that they are hungry or thirsty, they hurt somewhere, lots of things. Supposedly prevents a lot of tantrums around the pre-verbal toddler age. Even if it prevents one tantrum, that would be worth it!

So far I have introduced the signs for "milk", "potty" and "more". The milk one cracks him up. It *is* pretty funny. You open and close your fist while moving your hand up and down, like milking a cow. When I am nursing him I say, "You are drinking some MILK!" while I make the sign and he just starts laughing every time.

We're back on track with the potty. He's doing *all* his poops in the potty and many of his pees, which is great. I got him a new translucent blue potty, which he likes. I got sick of throwing away disposable diapers that had one or two pees in them, so now I just put a cloth diaper on him when we're at home. That way he will feel it if he pees, and learn to associate wetness with peeing. Plus that way I can tell immediately when he's wet, and change him. We use a lot less disposable diapers that way. Less waste and less expense. I really just use them at daycare and at night, or if we're going t