So here's my big confession...I have been an Angry Mom for the past month, maybe two.

The kids have been going bonkers and being horrible, and I have had this never-ending PMS going on (two periods in a month, face a pimply mess) and I have been getting too little sleep, and I just have NOT been able to keep it together. Every time I go away from the kids I formulate extensive and detailed plans for improving my behavior, but then at the first shrill scream upon their return my nerves just shatter and I start yelling again and generally losing it.

The thing is, I totally know better. I have read many good parenting books, I know all kinds of good parenting techniques, what to do at times of less-than-stellar kid behavior, and how to preserve your relationship instead of sabotaging i.t.. but as soon as my buttons get pushed, which has been pretty much constantly, I JUST CAN'T DO THE RIGHT THING. Instead I yell, scream, swat, spank, throw kids in their room and basically feel miserably like I am going to have a heart attack at any second. OUT OF CONTROL.

All the books I have read on gentle parenting and positive discipline techniques were still sticking with me, but I have been so angry and so on edge 24/7 that I just can't get back to any kind of calm center to be able to put them into practice. I get to the point where I just don't give a fuck anymore about being a good parent, just EVERYONE LEAVE ME ALONE AND SHUT THE HELL UP. Mothering seems like a nightmare scenario that I will never escape from.

Of course, the worse I behave, the more the kids wig out and react right back. I recognized this and still couldn't stop.

Dan has been awesome when I am at my worst. He stays calm and sets a good example, talking patiently with Julian at his most whiny and annoying, distracting Adrian at his wildest and most destructive.
Then I improve a little bit and Dan falls apart. We have been alternating back and forth, each holding it together when the other loses it completely, and then switching roles.

The kids have been incredibly difficult. I don't know what's up, some kind of developmental burst or disequilibrium phase, or whatever you want to call it, but both of them have been nearly unbearable for at least a month, maybe two. No excuse for bad parenting, but they definitely pushed things to the brink. They weren't torturing small animals or anything weird like that, they were just being annoying small children. Whiny, loud, melting down constantly, demanding, beyond high-need, destructive, that kind of thing.

Mind you, I haven't been beating them senseless or locking them in cages or anything (though I did fantasize about it from time to time), but I did an awful lot of yelling, and used mean verbally abusive language, and even smacked them several times. I am embarrassed at my bad behavior and lack of control. I have bad memories of my own parents going totally nuts on me and screaming and yelling and spanking and saying nasty things, and am 100% positive that I don't want to repeat that with my own kids. I want to break that angry chain right here and now.

I very clearly remember being yelled at my my parents, and being treated poorly and unfairly. I remember being spanked by hands and then beaten with worse things when that didn't hurt anymore. I remember being scared by angry red faces with bulging eyeballs screaming right in my face. At no point did any of that help me. It just made me want t rebel against them. It made me hate them. It made me stop trusting them. It gave me an ulcer at age 9, for crying out loud. It made me want to get the hell away from them as soon as I possibly could. They were good parents in lots of other ways, but damn, they were (and still are) angry people.

Dan and I laid down a NO YELLING house rule, and that has helped us keep our cool, but we still break the rule from time to time. Still, it's better when you can at least agree that something is not OK and work towards stopping it. We told the kids that we were yelling too much and not being patient with them and talking things out, and that we were very sorry. If anyone breaks the house NO YELLING rule, then anyone else can call them on it.

I had one very bad episode where I screamed and smacked and completely lost it, and after that I was so DONE with being an angry parent, because honestly, it kills me too. It's not like I feel some great satisfaction and release when I am a Bad Mom and yell and scream and go nuts. Instead I feel like I'm going to keel over from a heart attack and brain aneurysm all at once.

Anyway, I knew I needed help, but wasn't sure where to start. A parenting crisis hotline? A therapist? I couldn't even think straight, I was in such bad shape and so stressed out, and also it's not so easy at all to admit that you absolutely SUCK as a parent.

What was my problem anyway? Maybe I should have never had kids. I said for a long time that I would never have kids. Maybe I was right, and I'm just not at all cut out for this mothering thing. I'm not patient. I like peace and quiet and lots of time to myself with a good book. I have never been a babysitter or a kindergarten teacher or a nanny or anything like that. Shit, maybe I've just made a horrible mistake.

But no...that's not it. I HAVE been a good and generous and loving mom. I DO know what to do, and I HAVE enjoyed my children, and no matter who I was before, I have stretched and grown and changed into who I have needed to be in my current role. I don't really want to just sit around with a good book 24/7 for the rest of my life, as much as I love to do that. I just don't want to be so fucking ANGRY all the time. I want to be serene again.

ANGRY. That's my problem. I'm too angry. It's not that I'm a bad mom, or not cut out for this, or that my kids are horrible...maybe momentarily in the current phase they're going through, but not overall. I just need some anger management, because it's the ANGER that is my problem.

I'm not saying that no one should ever be angry. Anger is very useful for motivating people to take action on important issues. When someone is threatening you, or taking advantage of you, opening a can of whup-ass is often useful like nothing else can be. But to be expressing anger in a toxic way, so often, with people you love, especially children...that's fucked up.

I had a moment of clarity and remembered the title of a book that was recommended on my positive parenting email list over and over again. "When Anger Hurts Your Kids". I ordered it with Express Shipping and immediately felt better, like I had figured out the problem. INABILITY TO CONTROL MY ANGER. Step back out of the infuriating moment and take in the bigger picture. Be the grown up, not the two year old.

Book Description All parents get angry sometimes, but research clearly suggests that the amount of anger expressed in the family will have a negative impact on a child's performance in nearly every important area of life. When Anger Hurts Your Kids brings together the practical lessons of a two-year study of 285 parents. You'll learn how to tell if your family has anger problems, how to combat the 18 mistaken beliefs that fuel anger, and how to practice the art of problem-solving communication-skills that will let you feel more effective as a parent and let your kids grow up free of anger's damaging effects.

That just about nails it on the head. Anger is the #1 Beast that I must do battle with.

The book is good so far. The research is frightening (most parents are angry, and kids of angry parents tend to be depressed, less empathetic to the pain of others, do worse academically, commit more crimes, abuse drugs and alcohol, are more violent and abusive to their children and spouses, and so on). I'm not really to the solutions part (I haven't been able to read an entire book in over 18 months, remember?), but so far I am sold on the messaging.

One part that I liked was this...that it is a thousand times better to say "You are making me very angry right now by doing X when I asked you not to. It's time to go to your room until you can stop doing that" than to say, for example "Goddamn it, you stupid brat! I told you to stop doing that! Can;t you do ANYTHING right? Go to your room!" So right off the bat, the expectation is not that you be a saint or be *without* anger, just that you begin to express it appropriately and without verbal abuse attached.

Things have eased up on the home front. Adrian is being a little less destructive and the decibel volume has gone down slightly. He can also suddenly nod for "Yes" and shake his head for "No", and that, my friends, makes life with him so much easier, it's amazing. He has been great at signing and other communication, but his way of saying NO to something until just this week was to scream and cry and act like the end of the world had just arrived. So let's hear it for the boy.....WOOHOO!

Julian is still being super-whiny, but when he's not whiny, he's just fine. Yesterday he helped me with housework for almost an hour straight, folding laundry and putting it away, which was very sweet and much appreciated.

Even Adrian got into the housework act and had a little sponge and spray bottle to "help" me clean the bathroom. Yes, that "help" is in italics, because he made a pretty big mess, but he was cute anyways.

Also, BOTH KIDS SLEPT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT. This is rarer than Haley's Comet. I am still in shock. I think they were both so tired from being sick, and now that they feel better they just sacked out. Adrian did wake up briefly for just a minute, but he didn't even scream and cry for milk like he usually does. He just snuggled in closer, put his arms around me, gave a big sigh of happiness and went back to sleep. Whoa.

I think my Super PMS might be easing up as well. My face sort of cleared up a little, and I stopped bleeding. That's *something*, at least.

And I'm back to taking a deep breath and working on my calm, patient response to Kid Insanity when it arises. When I can be calm, they can usually be calm too, and we don't escalate things into the Bad Place.

Julian was flipping out the other afternoon and started pushing my buttons. I stayed calm (though it was a struggle), poured him a cool drink, a snack, put it on a tray, started up a story CD on his CD player, and told him he had had a long day and needed some quiet time to relax in his room. I didn't THROW him in his room, I helped him relax. I gave him a tool to fix himself when he felt out of control. Yes!

He fought me at first, but then he agreed that he felt tired and crabby. And then the other day after he got home from a long day at summer camp, he actually told me, "Mama, I had a long day at summer camp. I need some quiet time in my room. Can you make a snack for me and give me a cold drink please?"

High five to J! High five to me! When he felt better and more calmed down, he came out. He could rely on me to help him when he felt bad, instead of me just making him feel worse.

I think I'm on a roll. FAR from perfect, but hopefully getting back to a good place. I want to enjoy my kids again and not see them as a burden to endure until they leave. I don't want to be angry anymore. I know I will be from time to time, but I don't want to lash out and get nasty anymore. I want to be playful and calm and helpful and have my kids know that they can depend on me to show them what to do with difficult emotions, instead of getting medieval on their asses.

Because how can I tell them that yelling and hitting are wrong and then do it myself? How can I teach them effective methods of dealing with their own anger and sadness and frustration in life, when I am modeling exactly the opposite? I can't. I just can't. It doesn't make sense.

Hard work ahead. Parenting is no job for sissies.