If you go back in the archives for this site, you will find this post, in which I covet a nifty whiz-bang potty called the DoBidet. It has heated seats, washes you with warm water, and even dries you afterwards.

Well, I never got one. Boo hoo. It was too expensive, and I wasn't really sure how it would be installed. Too mystifying.

That was a long time ago, but let me tell you...every time I sit on the toilet scrubbing my ass with half a roll of toilet paper post-poop, I feel SURE that there is a better solution out there.

Well whaddya know......there is! The Jetty! I randomly found it on some green product newsletter, was intrigued, and went to go check it out online.

First of all, it sounded easy to install. Second of all, it made sense, the engineering is simple. Third of all, I love the Indo-English copy on the site, which dished out fascinating facts like these, under the MEN category:
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Personal Hygiene
Wiping with toilet paper does not adequately clean the hairy anal area. The process of wiping with toilet paper also greatly increases the chances of soiling one’s hands – despite this, 30 % of MEN do not wash their hands after using the restroom. The Jetty is a HANDS FREE cleaning device which provides a healthier way to feel clean, fresh, and confident all day long.

Intimacy

The Jetty will add an extra dimension to Men’s attractiveness – something they must experience in their intimate relationship!

Medical Conditions

Men often suffer from Constipation, Hemorrhoids, and various other medical conditions that make the use of toilet paper painful and undesirable. A precise and soothing stream of water from the Jetty lubricates the anus muscles as well as softens the hard stool, and thus reduces the discomfort caused during defecation.

I'm not sure what they are referring to in the "Intimacy" section, but I imagine that when crusty poop crumbs are no longer adhering to your hairy anal area, that would indeed boost your attractiveness, no?

Anyhooo.....I'm really glad that I'm not a guy. Nasty!

I was all ready to order anyway, and then I found that by entering the code "GW" I could get half off. Sweet! I had a few questions about how to correctly ID my toilet so I would be sure to get the right kind of Jetty, so I sent an email and got an immediate response from Amit in Jetty Customer Service. He called me and we discussed my toilet for about ten minutes, making sure that everything was A-OK. He did everything but come over and personally hose my butt. Very nice man.

The Jetty arrived, and it was exciting. Just reading the manual was awesome, mostly because of all the euphemisms used for your poophole, like "the dirty body part", "your private area" etc. But what was hilarious is that, amidst all the euphemisms, suddenly the manual would just bust out and say it...ANUS. And at one point they dropped all decorum and simply called it "Jetty - the best butt washer ever!"

Once I got through the manual and wiped the tears from my eyes, I set about installing my Jetty. It *was* easy. The only part that took any thought whatsoever was adjusting the water pressure coming out from the wall valve, so that when I had the Jetty on at full blast, it didn't spray wildly across the room. No prob, I just turned the valve down until my Jetty had a forceful but not messy stream when wide open, and that was it. After that I became just another happy Jetty user. Very, very nice. You could practically eat off my bunghole, I dare say. It's pristine.

So the days passed, and every bowel movement was simply another thrilling opportunity to rock my Jetty. Yahoo! Until yesterday....

Yesterday I sat down, did my thang, and reached for the Jetty knob as usual. BUTT (heh), instead of the soothing, cooling stream of water pouring forth, I instead was REAMED by a freaking FIRE HOSE BLAST of water that blasted me so hard I swear a few drops came out my nose. Can you say "high colonic"? Whoa....it was shocking, to say the least.

I scrambled off the toilet, dripping wet and frankly... a little traumatized. What the hell had just happened? I inspected the wall valve and someone had turned it back up to its normal setting. Who? Who would mess with my Jetty like that? Dan? One of the kids?

I doubted it would be the kids, not because they wouldn't LOVE to mess with that if they could, but because the wall valve is hard to turn, and requires some strength. I don't think either of them could manage it.

I asked Dan and he just looked at me like I was nuts. True, the last thing he would do is mess around with toilet valves. Not his bag.

So it must be Beh, Housekeeper Supreme. Once I eliminated all the Usual Suspects, I could imagine exactly how it went down.

Beh is cleaning the toilet, as he does every week. He flushes, scrubs some more, goes to flush again, and then notices that the tank is not filling up nearly as fast as it used to. (This is a side effect of lowering the wall valve pressure, there is simply not as much water out as before. No biggie, I don't normally flush twice in five minutes anyway).

"So", says Beh to himself, "What is going on here? Ah, I see that the wall valve pressure is too low to fill up the tank quickly like it used to. The children must have changed the valve setting. I will fix this for Ms. Laura." And he cranks the wall valve back up to full volume, not realizing that he is at that moment dooming me to the aforementioned Fire Hose Butt Blast.

Anyway, I haven't mentioned it to him yet. There's not really a subtle way to bring it up. "Oh, BTW...I was almost blasted across the room by my Jetty the other day while lubricating my anal muscles with a soothing cool stream, can you please not touch that valve anymore?"

I did find out one funny thing, and that's that Dan thinks that the idea of a stream of water aimed at his "dirty body part" is horrible. He says he takes care of things just fine, and he will never, ever use my Jetty. At least not this week.

He doesn't yet know about the Jetty "adding an extra dimension to Men’s attractiveness – something they must experience in their intimate relationship!" And I might have to bring up the Anal Booger thing, because I'm not sure that I could stay married to someone whose hairy anal area is not adequately cleaned. Now that I have JETTY, I am particular about these things, you know?

Oh. My. God. I just went to the Jetty website to check something and just saw a blurb describing it as the "Groom of the Stool". That is simply too much. I don't know how I missed that before, considering that it's on EVERY PAGE.

Jetty makers, I love you.