My dear little firstborn, I can't believe you are three years old already!

Sorry that it hasn't been very exciting a day for you. I caught your cold and I'm feeling lousy, plus I haven't been getting much sleep lately due to your baby brother waking up at 3:00AM, and just when I get him asleep finally then it's time for you to get up. I'm not exactly a ray of morning sunshine when I see your cheery little face at 7:00am and you want to talk to me and kiss him nonstop. Sorry about that too.

I feel like a pretty bad mom to you lately, especially today on your birthday. I did manage to get you a pretty cool present, and you seem to like your new Fisher-Price digital camera a lot, but I don't have a party planned for you or anything. In my defense I can only say that the weather is crappy and rainy and cold, and most of your friends have colds, as do you and I both. If next weekend looks like it might be nice, I'll invite your favorite playmates to the playground for a little celebration, otherwise we may have to have a half-birthday party for you in July. That's not a bad idea, actually.

Well, I did get party hats and Elmo plates. We can eat dinner off those tonight, and I'll make cupcakes for you to blow out the candles on. You can help me, I know you love to cook.

I know you adore your baby brother, but I'm sorry that I don't have more time for just *you*. I love him, but I feel bad having to constantly excuse myself to soothe him, pick him up, change his diaper, nurse him, etc. I don't get nearly enough time to hold you on my lap and cuddle and kiss you anymore.

Poor baby. First I get pregnant and I have to stop carrying you, and now I barely even get time to hold you as much as I want to. I hope that one day you will be playing happily with your little brother and it will all be worth it for you. Already you have been remarkably generous about sharing your Mama with a baby who you just met and can't even play with. Well, you stroke and kiss him, but we have even had to curtail that with all the colds going around. I felt horrible not letting you touch your brother when you're sick, but I'm his mama too, and he's still so little, and he *just* got over a cold right after coming home from the hospital after being in the NICU for five days.

That was hard on all of us, all that coughing and snuffling and gasping at night, and you asking me, "what's the matter with him, Mama?" You were sick and feeling awful yourself with these past two colds since your brother arrived, and you had to listen to us lecturing you non-stop to wipe your nose, wash your hands, cover your cough, stop sneezing, don't touch, don't kiss, don't hug. Instead of getting babied when you're feeling icky, you get lectured and isolated. It's not your fault for getting a cold, I know that. I'm not sure what else to do, we've had SO many colds this past winter, and all of them miserable. I'm just trying to keep them from getting spread around. It's not personal.

You're so smart and so funny and so handsome and wonderful in every way. I'm enormously proud of you. I really hope we can manage to keep our close connection intact as you become a big brother and grow up. It would break my heart if we didn't. I am thrilled that your Daddy has stepped in to fill the gaps, and your relationship with him has blossomed beautifully. It's lovely to see you two together. Just don't forget about your mama! I know you haven't.

Someday soon we'll all be able to play together, instead of Daddy and I taking turns parenting you while handing your baby brother off to one another like a football.

I'm glad you enjoy your friends, and school, and going to Grandma's house. I was hoping that you could have fun going to school more often while I catch up on sleep and work and all that other stuff, but I'm a little worried about you picking up colds there, quite frankly. I guess we'll just have to play it by ear. If I get too tired and sick, I'm not a very good mama to you.

Well, again I have to cut things short, your brother is fussing and it's time to lay down and try to take a nap before you come home from Grandma's house. Yes, Daddy and I sent you off at lunchtime on your birthday today. You were driving us both crazy by hitting the dog and being contrary. No wonder, no one was playing with you, and you've probably reached your limit of self-entertainment.

Oh well, I'm sure you had a much better time with Grandma riding your bike at the playground than you would staying home for yet another day with me, especially when I'm tired and sick like this.

The bottom line is that I love you with all my heart, you wonderful boy. Happy 3rd birthday. Sorry we couldn't do more to celebrate today, but I promise I'll make it up to you. It will still be your birthday season for a while after all, and I'm a big believer in looooong birthday celebration periods!

Love,
Mama