The best sign I've ever made, originally uploaded by mslaura.

After enduring innumerable episodes of clueless people ringing the doorbell RIGHT after I FINALLY got Julian to go down for his nap I wised up and created the sign you see in this photo.

The worst offender was our ex-mailman, who, terrified of Bugs, would hurl packages from 15 feet away onto our porch with a huge house-shaking THUMP, then run up to the door and ring the doorbell about 20 times in succession, then run back to the safety of his mail truck and speed away. This whole cascade of events would of course send Bugs into a frenzied bark-a-thon that would wake the dead, much less a fussy barely sleeping baby.

The mailman was a daily pest, but we also had FedEx and UPS guys ringing the doorbell all day long when they dropped something off. (Which happens a lot, since I get about 2-3 packages a day). We had occasional solicitors too, and friendly neighbors telling us that we left our garbage cans or our gate open or something. I just wanted to kill all of these people, and no matter what their errand was, I fouhgt the urge to shout at them, "What the FUCK do you WANT! THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD CONSIDERING YOU WOKE UP MY FUCKING BABY!"

I was tickled pink to read Dooce today and see that I'm not the only psycho mom out there putting threatening signs on the door.

Here is the sign on Dooce's door:



and here is the sign that she *wishes* were on her door:



Which, let me tell you, I am so down with. That's just what *I* really want to say too. But my slightly nicer sign works just as well.

Dooce's real sign would never work for me, because solicitors aren't my problem...everyone else who shows up here during the Sacred Naptime Hours of 12-3pm is. That includes the abovementioned mail carriers, UPS people, FedEx people, the organic grocery delivery guy who likes to ring the bell to let me know he's put the box on my porch, friendly neighbors stopping by to say hi, neighborhood kids selling stuff (who don't know what "soliciting" means), and random assorted other visitors.

The only person who has ever rung the bell between the hours of 12-3pm with my approval was a neighborhood mom who stopped by to tell me that my dog got out and was standing on the corner of the intersection watching the traffic go by. I was VERY glad that she disregarded my sign, and I hope she doesn't hate me forever for giving her the Look of Death when I answered the door.

Oh, the other thing that I found funny in Dooce's post was her description of falling for a scam whereby a kid comes by selling magazines. You don't actually want any of the magazines, but they tell you that you can donate them to any of a list of charitable organizations..women's shelters, foster child progams, sick kids in hospitals. So that's pretty hard to turn down.

We had a guy come by with the same story. He said that he was a trumpet player trying to earm money for his band program. I was about to buy a magazine subscription, being the bleeding-heart sucker that I am, but Dan asked him for trumpet lessons instead of magazines. The guy agreed and went on and on. He even played Dan's trumpet expertly, and gave him some tips. He had a totally valid back story!

Dan tried to email him that night, and all the emails bounced. Then we realized that we had been scammed. Dan was able to cancel his check, so no harm done. But it was a black kid, and I think it was a really shitty thing for an obviously talented black kid to do...go out there and scam people. Now our whole neighborhood is going to be assuming that any black kid that comes to the door is a scam artist, you know? With his musical talent, don't you think he could have found a better way to earn money rather than reinforcing negative stereotypes of African-Americans? I don't know, I just thought it was especially lame.

What's even lamer is that Dan hasn't played his trumpet SINCE. I think it reminds him of the scam now. So not only did this kid scam us, but he put a bitter taste in Dan's mouth about playing his trumpet.

Anyway, I had no idea that magazine thing was a common scam, but I guess it is. So now I'm not answering the door at all between 12-3. I'm not buying anything from anyone who comes to my door. And I'm thinking of making a much nicer-looking sign to replace my beat-up handwritten index card with Scotch tape.

Don't you like how I stick the sign OVER the doorbell though? That way you can't avoid it. You just plain can't get to the doorbell without moving the sign out of the way, and if you pull that shifty maneuver...well, my dog had better be out in the middle of the street or something, that's all I have to say.