My Dearest Julian,

Today is your first birthday. I can hardly believe it, the time has absolutely flown by.

Well, in some ways it feels like an eternity. I don't really remember anymore what life was like without you. Before you were born, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have a baby. Now I can't imagine what it would be like to NOT have a baby, you are so ingrained in my every thought and action.

Wow, a whole year. A year ago at this time I was holding your tiny precious body in the hospital room, and I couldn't put you down. I couldn't stop staring into your alert beautiful eyes, examining your face and your toes and your hands and your smiling rosebud of a mouth. *This* is what has been in my belly for the past 10 months? Remarkable. So glad to finally meet you!

You were such a good nurser from the very beginning. I was freaking out because your birth was so hard and so traumatic. After you came out I couldn't swallow, I couldn't feel anything from my chin on down. I was so looking forward to a peaceful birth, and being able to bond with you right away, and then it just didn't work out that way. I had to look at you on your Daddy's lap until the anesthesia wore off. I cried my eyes out because I couldn't use my arms and I couldn't feel my legs and there was my baby right THERE and I was just a useless lump of flesh.

When I could feel my arms tingling a little bit I called the nurse over...please help me! She put you in my arms, helped guide you to my breast and you just latched on like you had been doing it all along. "He's doing it perfectly," she said, and I was so happy I thought I would die. I held you and held you and held you, all day and all night long. I didn't even put you in the bassinet to sleep, I wanted you right there next to me, skin to skin. That was the way you wanted it too...every time the nurses put you in your bassinet to change your diaper, you cried your eyes out. That little goat cry. Meeehhhhhh!!! I couldn't wait to get you back.

It was hard in the early days, not because you weren't wonderful, but because I wasn't used to taking care of something so small and fragile and helpless. It has been hard to be a mama sometimes since then, but it gets easier every day. I made the decision to try to show you the very best in myself, to be patient and loving with you, to always be there for you day and night. I'll be honest, sometimes I just wanted five minutes to myself. Sometimes my back hurt from holding you. Sometimes I really wanted to sleep by myself. Sometimes I got really tired of nursing you non-stop. But I always thought, this will pass so quickly. And it did!

It's a year later, and you don't need me quite as much as before. You are a strong, happy, secure, confident boy. You play and explore happily on your own. You have an incredible sense of humor and crack us up with your witty ways. You are so smart and so physically agile! You watch Daddy or me do something once and then jump right in and try to do it yourself. You love people and are not afraid of them. You love your dog. You are very strong, but gentle. You never hit your playmates, even when they are not so nice to you. I feel like you were born with the gift of a sweet loving nature, and my job is basically to keep it intact and help guide it along without altering or disturbing it. I'm so proud to be your mama!

The other day I woke up before you did. As I was looking at you, you sleepily opened up one eye, then the other, then a HUGE grin spread across your face and you started clapping with joy. My little love. I can't wait to see what life brings as you get older. But don't grow up too fast. You're so much fun to be with, and I don't want to miss any of it.

Daddy and I love you very much, with all our hearts. Stay sweet, little boy. I promise that we will always be there for you, no matter what.

Love,

Mama