I'm working on getting myself out of Desperate Housewife Mode. No, not the TV show, which everyone tells me I need to watch, but my recent funk related to being a full-time wife and mom. I'm making progress. As a matter of fact, I don't think I'm in Desperate Housewife mode anymore. I'd say now I'm in Funk Extraction Mode. FEM, shall we say. Heh.

This week I'm interviewing for a mother's helper. I need someone to watch Julian in the afternoons a few times a week so I can have undisturbed work time. It's just too impossible to try to work on the computer in our un-baby-proofed office while Julian crawls around and turns off the power to all the computers, the DSL modem and the backup server. Then I get mad at him, and mad at Dan that he set up everything on the floor where Julian can get at it, instead of up on the desks, where I *wanted* it to be. And for crying out loud, what do I have to do to get FIVE COTTON PICKIN' MINUTES of work done without interruption?!?! Is that too much to ask? AAAARGHGHH!!!

That's what I'm talking about. It's not working out very well. I don't like to be crabby and frustrated and mad at my son and resentful of my husband for all the uninterrupted time he has to take long showers and go to the gym and sleep late in the morning. He tries to make me feel better by telling me how hard it is to travel on business, and all I can think of is...what I wouldn't GIVE to sit undisturbed on a plane and read books and magazines for several hours straight without small fingers trying to tear them from my grasp. And then enjoy a delicious fancy expense account dinner (with cocktails!) upon arriving at my destination. And get paid, and get respect from my colleagues, instead of being the least respected person on the planet, i.e. the mom/wife with baby-on-hip.

Oh, what about being able to *talk* to your colleagues for more than five minutes without babbling and wails and cries in the background? THAT would be nice. Every time I've talked to people at work, even when I'm just leaving a voice mail, J suddenly decides to throw a fit for no reason at all, so I end up shouting over my squalling infant, then forgetting what I'm supposed to be talking about because I'm now embarrassed that I'm unprofessional enough to have a squalling infant in the background. Sigh.

But then again, I find it hard to be away from Baby J for more than half an hour without missing him terribly, so it's a big fat Catch-22. I don't want to travel on business. I don't want to work full-time at a corporate job and leave my baby. I adore being his mama. But I *would* love to have a few hours in the afternoon to do stuff for ME so that I don't get crabby and resentful and unpleasant to be around, so that's where the mother's helper comes in. It's all a balancing act.

I try to remind myself on a daily basis how incredibly fortunate I am to be able to stay home with Julian and still get paid. THAT was an unbelievable stroke of luck. And I'm so lucky to have a wonderful husband and a wonderful son and a wonderful dog, and a wonderful new house in a great school district. I do know all that. It's just a measure of society I guess, that moms feel so undervalued and disrespected. You know, you're JUST a wife and mom? But what ELSE do you do? How is your career progressing? Why do you still have that spare tire around your waist? Um, that's the third day in a row that you've worn those jeans. Just in case you didn't realize.

Yesterday was a good day, because two things reminded me of how lucky I am. First was a site about the Fistula Hospital in Ethiopia. Yes, all you who complain about C-sections (me included) and medical interventions during childbirth...there IS another side to that that we forget about. Women who have no access to skilled medical care, and the lifelong trauma they suffer from a condition that is 100% preventable and treatable. Horrifying. I am trying to scare up some money to donate to these poor women. It puts everything into perspective, big-time. I just have to point out that George M.F. Bush reduced the U.S. funding for treatment of obstetric fistula in poor countries to $0.00.

"UNFPA, Condemned by Bush Administration, Loses Additional $50 Million in U.S. International Family Planning Funds

With a narrow majority, the House of Representatives voted to block $50 million in international family planning funds to the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA), based on the unsubstantiated argument that the program supports China's coercive population control policy. The Bush administration and some GOP lawmakers disparaged UNFPA—a program which provides millions of dollars to promote contraception, as well as safe birthing and child care practices for poor women in more than 150 countries—saying that it violates U.S. law by supporting China's "one child" policy, which they claim sometimes entails coerced or forced abortions. Yet UNFPA officials assert that the program does not promote abortion, and an investigative panel convened by Bush last year reported that there was no evidence that UNFPA promotes coerced abortions or involuntary sterilizations in China. Despite the panel's findings, the Bush administration withdrew $34 million from the program in 2002 and did not request any funding for the program in Bush's 2004 budget. As a result of the House vote, it appears that UNFPA will not receive any funding this year either.

Source: Washington Post, "House Blocks Family Planning Funds," Juliet Eilperin, July 16, 2003

That's right, remember, even AFGHANISTAN donated $100 to the UNFPA last year. But the USA? World's richest nation? Zip. Atrocious.

Um, back to my point...If I hadn't had any medical resources, I could have easily lost my baby and ended up with a fistula myself. I'm damn lucky to be me, and not a poor African woman.

The second thing that reminded me how lucky I am...I had to go to Julian's former daycare yesterday to get some tax papers signed by the director. She was busy filling in for Julian's former teacher, who was taking her break, so I went into his old classroom. There were seven babies, all squalling their heads off. She had one on her lap, and two crying next to her. They were all pitiful and upset. The teacher's aide was feeding two babies in highchairs, older babies who were Julian's former classmates. They weren't smiling either. Julian was cruising around like a beam of sunshine, playing like mad with all the toys, ultra-wide grin plastered on his face. They DO have all the best toys there at that daycare. All the award-winning, super-expensive toys? They have them. I didn't even know until he was leaving, then I saw some of the toys that he played with there for sale online and WHOA...they are *top* of the line.

Julian was trying to play with and even *kiss* the other babies, happy baby-lover that he is. He gives a gentle head-butt that includes a little bit of nose-to-nose brushing. And meanwhile the other babies are pissed off because they haven't been held and cuddled enough lately. So I picked up two of the babies who were wailing in protest. They quieted down.

It was just a stressed-out place. There aren't enough teachers to keep the ratio less than 1-to-4, and a constant 1-4 ratio is bad, it's just too crazy. Trying to take care of 4 babies at once will drain you of anything but mechanical reactions. Total Robot Caregiver. Change! Sleep! Eat! Next!

I was so glad that *my* baby was home with his mama every day, and didn't have to go to daycare anymore. It was much better when he was there, but obviously things have gone downhill lately. Yikes. Childcare is a really rough business to be in here. Practically a lawsuit around every corner. And it's impossible to find enough skilled/educated childcare workers who will accept such pitifully low wages, lack of benefits, and poor working conditions.

Update: I just interviewed my babysitting candidate. She seems great...just a normal, smart, mellow kind of girl. She's studying business *and* psychology. I like her. She could have been more forward with Julian. She was a bit reserved and I kind of want someone who will just grab him and start *physically* playing with him. But that's hard to do. I don't mind if they get to know one another at their own pace. As long as it works out and everyone's happy.

She also said that she wouldn't mind walking Bugs, so that could kill two birds with one stone. Baby care AND dog walking...NOW we're talking!

Julian was playing with a pen on my lap today and then all of a sudden he just started drawing on the notebook open on the table in front of me. He drew a perfect portrait of Bugs! No, I'm just kidding, but he DID put pen to paper in quite a skilled manner, as though he had already been practicing. He definitely knew what Mama and Daddy did with pens in their hands, and he was going to try to do it too, by golly. So cute and amazing to see. He really soaks up everything around him that he sees and experiences. Baby sponge!

He mimics what he sees Dan and I do, so OK, like *that* doesn't put the pressure on to be a perfect person around him. But it may be a good thing.

Dan and I needed to clear the air recently. I have been at my Crab Station during the past two weeks, if you'll remember, so I've been pretty bitchy down in the dark impenetrable depths of my funk. I admit it. In fact I've been open about it from the beginning. I just couldn't *stop* being bitchy, because I felt so damn bad.

Dan was kind and loving and patient at first, but then my crabbiness got HIM crabby. And he had been out of town a lot, and blah blah blah. We weren't attached. So then HE started being a big asshole to ME. That could have been a really bad situation, but we resolved it peacefully and lovingly through diplomatic discussion, ending with the clink of wineglasses in a toast. We only had to yell at each other a tiny little bit earlier that day to get the ball rolling, only 2-3 minutes, which is practically a world record. It was so great. And I'm so glad, because THAT is what I want Julian to do in HIS relationships, not scream and cry and hurl insults.

Geez. We're the model for all his future relationships. Baby sponge! Gulp.