Whew, finally the Little Man is asleep. Let's see, I should be folding laundry right now, or doing the other hundred tasks that are waiting for me right now, but then I would never get anything written, so I'm making the executive decision to skip laundry for now and write a little bit.

Julian is apparently teething...lately he gets fussy all of a sudden and the only thing that will calm him is to bite and suck hard on my pinky finger knuckle or thumb. He makes all kinds of moaning and groaning noises while he does it, and gets a zoned out expression on his face, then usually falls asleep. I've been trying to get him to take a pacifier, since my knuckle is not always possible or available. I had to drive with my right arm stretched into the backseat last Thursday so as to keep my thumb inserted in his mouth, not very safe at any speed. Sadly, he is not a fan of the pacifier. I can sneak it in once he sleeps, but not before, he keeps spitting it out.

What was that noise? Must go and check. Could he be awake already? ugh...yes, he is awake already. Well, now he's in his bouncy seat next to me, maybe he'll be OK for a little while if I bounce him while I type.

Today is one of those days where I feel frustrated that I can't get anything done because the baby care is nonstop. I just wish that he would take a 3 or 4 hour nap so that I can go for a swim or a jog or work on a necklace or...write a journal entry, for example. Baby care is a FULL time job. I'm a little worried because he isn't sleeping like he used to...I can get him to take a long nap only by carrying him in his sling (usually) or by laying down next to him in bed (mostly).

Crap, he's crying again and I can't figure out what he wants. None of the usual sure-fire baby calmers are working. I think that is the hardest part of having a baby...you finally figure out how to calm/occupy the baby and then it stops working all of a sudden after a day or a week or a month and you're back at square one. OK, nursing is working for right now. He just ate not too long ago, he can't be very hungry, but it just stopped a hysterical crying jag, so I'm going with it.

We've been going to swim school and he is doing great. He kicks really well, he floats on his back, and he has gone underwater about five times now without even crying. My little swimmer! We're taking lessons with our friends April and Ed and their baby Max, who just turned one. I go in the water with him and Dan watches from the deck in the cheering section, and serves as the Designated Dryer, because at 6:20pm when class ends, it's a little bit chilly when we get out of the pool. The pool itself is 90+ degrees though, very warm and cozy.

I have been totally stressed about child care for a long time now. I go back to work in about a month now, and it will be nice to get a paycheck again, but I dread leaving Julian in the care of X Unknown Person To Be Decided. I got some referrals through Yahoo! and looked for a place near the office, so that I can go feed him at lunchtime. I called one family daycare place, run by a woman out of her home, and was appalled. Some guy answered the phone with a sullen tone, and when I finally got the caregiver on the phone she barely spoke English. I guess it's supposed to be homier or cozier or whatever, but I just don't like the idea of one woman watching up to seven kids of all ages in her home. What if she gets sick? And who is watching her? Creeps me out.

So I called a larger child care center, and the woman who answered the phone was very professional and gave me all the answers I wanted: Yes, they had reduced fees for part-time care three days a week. Yes, I was welcome to come and hang out with him on my lunch break, etc. I hoped and prayed that it would be decent, and scheduled a visit.

Dan and I went yesterday and it looks good. They deal with each child according to what they need at the moment, not on a rigid schedule. The facility is nice and clean and organized. Babies are separated from older children, which was something else that concerned me about the in-home places. I don't want some toddler poking his eye out. The teacher is a sweet Indian lady who greeted us warmly and has good child development credentials. She would be his teacher every day, along with one other woman. It's only about 7-10 minutes from the office. We went at lunchtime and there were several other parents there hanging out with their kids. So I think the search is over. Thank god, I was having nightmares about having to go to ten different places and getting really discouraged. The referrals from Yahoo! were incredibly helpful. I don't know how long this would have taken if I had to search for a place without some preliminary weeding done by someone else.

This place runs about $800/month for 3 days a week, so not cheap at all, but not too expensive either, relatively speaking. I'll be paying about one-third of my part-time salary towards child care, but since I'm mostly going back to work for the benefits and stock options, that's OK.

What else? I'm trying to increase my exercise beyond just Baby Boot Camp twice a week and walking the dog. I'm so TIRED of being fat. I would be OK if my stomach would just flatten out a bit, but it's all poochy and squishy and I have a roll around my middle that annoys me to no end. I can feel hard muscle underneath, but then there's all this chub on top. I have to be careful about dieting, because if I don't eat enough my milk production goes down. So I'm just trying to be patient with losing weight slowly, but then I see skinny new moms and I get frustrated. The new moms I know who are skinny already are having trouble keeping up their milk supply, so I try to focus on that, but it's hard when every advertisement has some hot chick in a bikini and I've got this big bulge around my middle.

Being a mom really sucks in this culture. Get back in shape ASAP and then get back to work. Oh, but don't neglect your baby for a single second. You should be praising and teaching your baby things non-stop, staring into their eyes soulfully, making every minute count or else you've damaged that child forever. When you're not working out or on the job, that is. No matter what, you should feel bad about the part of the package that you can't manage to do: raising a prodigy child, having a successful career, and looking fantastic. Don't forget to keep your marriage healthy and intact too. Because we all know *that's* so easy and doesn't take any time or effort at all. Riiiight.

If I read one more article on a celebrity mom who has lost all her baby weight and is now prancing around in a bikini (thanks to a dedicated personal trainer, home gym, pre-prepared meals delivered daily, and a full-time baby nurse), I'm going to scream. That has somehow become the new standard.

I read about Kate Hudson and her new baby the other day in Vogue (I think), and it was nauseating. OK, first of all, she's 25! Second of all, she gained 50 pounds, but she was ultra-thin to begin with. And now the producers of her next movie are paying for her to get in great shape (not like she can't afford it on her own!), so she has a full-fledged TEAM of people helping her out and she's already lost all the weight and in better shape than she ever has been! Blah blah blah. Me, I've got a bag of chocolate chips in the pantry and a husband who complains that he needs to bulk up a little, so can we have burgers for dinner again? How about dessert? And of course I'm hungry all the time. I think I should cut my portions down, so I do and then my milk supply drops and I'm hungry, so I eat more and the scale just creeps down soooooo slowly. I lose maybe a pound a week. Maybe. Patience, patience...I know. Even if I lose the weight, will this belly skin ever firm up? And what about my boobs? A whole other subject entirely...

We're going to Cabo San Lucas for our friends' wedding on June 1st. I'm thrilled to go, we all need a vaction and it should be a lot of fun, I just wish I could wear a bikini, because I despise one-piece bathing suits. I got a great "slenderizer" suit from Land's End with an underwire D-cup and extra length in the torso. I don't look bad in it, but it feels like I'm wearing a wet girdle and bra when I get out of the pool. Not so comfy. It stays wet forever. Wet and clammy. Maybe I'll just wear a bikini anyways and be like those wonderfully shameless European women who go topless on the beaches even though they've seen better days. I mean, since I'll be carrying around my obviously young baby son, that should be the excuse for my belly right?

But then again, there will probably be a bunch of people there who read the Kate Hudson article and wonder what my problem is. Well, I'm going to start slathering myself in self-tanner right now, that always helps.