So, time for pregnancy update!

I think more and more that I may have to come back to work after my 3 months maternity leave is up, which I am somewhat devastated about, but you have to do what you have to do, I guess.

I have all these plans for things that I want to do raising this child, and it breaks my heart to think about not being around to do most of them. Aaargh. I hope Dan finds some decent-paying non-despicable job SOON. I mean, he has a job now, but the economy is so bad that he's not selling anything, budgets are closed all over, and if you're in sales and not selling... I guess theoretically he could always stay home while *I* work, but that pretty much sucks for me. I don't know, we're trying to figure out what to do, but so much of it is up in the air and dependent on luck, fate, timing, whatever you want to call it. So in the meantime we're just saving as much money as possible, in total budget mode.

Dan is the Budget Maniac these days. He sold his beautiful ultra-luxurious car (2002 Infiniti Q45) and bought a Honda Civic Hybrid like me. Which I was pushing him to do, because the Q45 just wasn't practical. Like you are going to have a dog/baby riding around on immaculate leather seats. And it only got 19 miles per gallon or something. Why do we need an engine with 300 horsepower when we're both driving like we're 70 years old these days? So he was able to sell the Q45, buy a new Hybrid, and pocket about $15,000 in cash for our baby fund. Plus the savings on maintenance and especially gas (now he gets 45-50 miles per gallon), it all adds up.

I'm selling stuff on eBay like it's going out of style. And doing some sporadic freelance work on the side for a decent hourly wage. So I don't know, maybe we can make this work.

We find out the sex of the baby this coming Wednesday. I am SO excited. I have been feeling "girl" lately, but it's a total coin toss. Names turned out to be shockingly easy...we settled the matter in about five minutes in the car on the way to dinner the other night. I have a zillion girl names that I like, but boy names are almost impossible. I hate most of them, or else they're way too common, or else they make awful nicknames.

Dan threw out "Victor", which I like OK, but that gives "Vic" as a probable nickname, which we agree is instant Old Fat Mafioso. Yuck.

Then he said "Julian", which I instantly liked. It translates perfectly to Spanish, French, Italian, it's a Roman Emperor name, which I have an odd attraction to (but not likely that I'll be naming any kids Titus or any of those other emperor names). Plus, Julian Sands....what an elegant hottie. So that was instantly settled, although if we have more than one boy we're sunk! I looked at about 20,000 names and the only other boy name that I could come up with was Sergio, which I don't think Dan likes, and I'm not sure of myself.

For a girl, it will be Juliette/Julietta/Juliet/Giulietta, one of those permutations. Dan loves it.

So anyways, that took about five minutes. Now the only potential battle will be over circumcision, if it's a boy. But I'm not so adamant about that. I'm opposed to it, but it's not the end of the world if it happens. Of course, having a girl makes it a moot point, so I can't WAIT for Wednesday to find out!

So I am 19.5 weeks along, feeling huge already, and Jesus Christ these boobs....I am not fitting into my C-cup bra anymore! Up to a D-CUP now! I have to take some pics, because otherwise I don't think I'll believe it myself. Of course, the boobs don't look that big compared to my burgeoning belly, but I am thoroughly sick of them. Never will I complain about small boobs again. I am paranoid that they won't shrink back nicely afterwards.

I look pretty good from the front, still have my waist and everything, but when I turn sideways, whoa! Belly sticks way out. It's funny that it's all out in front and not in my sides at all. It's not high or low either, but right smack in between my ribs and pelvis.

Apparently the baby is moving around inside like crazy, it's always very active when they put the Doppler on me to listen to the heartbeat, but I don't feel a thing. I *thought* maybe I felt a little tickle when I had my hand pressed hard up against my belly the other day, but I'm not sure. I am taking comfort in the idea that women with strong abs apparently take much longer to feel the first movements...I'm hoping that's what's going on in my case.

I am a little worried because I didn't really gain any weight in the first trimester, and now the last 3-4 weeks I have suddenly put on 15 pounds! No wonder I feel huge. The crazy thing is that I feel like I am eating much *less* than I did the first trimester. Back then if I didn't eat practically a whole meal every half hour I thought I would go nuts. Now I eat three small meals a day with a few snacks in between, and the pounds are piling on. I have a TERRIBLE sweet tooth all of a sudden, which I am trying to control.

Another huge factor may be that I have hardly exercised at all in this last 3-4 weeks. Dan has been taking on most of the dog-walking responsibilities, so I haven't even done that very much. I'm sure that has something to do with it. I sit on my ass all day at work and then come home and sit around some more.

But I am determined to get back in shape, so I did my hour-long swim workout on Friday, we hiked for two hours in the forest on Saturday, and yesterday I did 30 minutes of exercise bike, 30 minutes of elliptical trainer, and walked the dog for an hour. I feel better already, have more energy. Now I just have to keep it up.

I have to put the brakes on this weight gain, but it's not like I can *diet* or anything. So I figure if I am more careful about eating more fruit and less sweets and crappy carbs (which I am CRAVING horrendously) and doing some form of exercise each day, I'll get back on track. I definitely do not want to gain more than what I am supposed to. Fuck stretch marks, and fuck having to go on a massive diet afterwards to lose the extra weight. I'd rather just work on it now and be preventive.

I know all these women who gained 70 pounds when they were pregnant (is that a magic number or something? I know at least four women who said they gained exactly 70 pounds) and they had a terrible time losing it afterwards. They looked completely pregnant for months after they gave birth, and were utterly miserable at the end of their pregnancies because they were so huge and swollen up. I do NOT want to go there. I feel big already, not even in how I look, but just feeling uncomfortable.

I don't think this is going to be a "sexy" pregnancy. But Dan and I are bonding emotionally very strongly, so in some ways it doesn't really matter. It's only when I think about it that I'm like, "Hey, we haven't had sex in a while. Am I too fat and hideous to be attractive to Dan anymore?"

But strangely enough, all these other guys have been giving me the eye, which weirds me out, because I feel like some beer-bellied white trash mama walking around with my big ol' pooch hanging out of my pants most of the time, and my big ol' cellulitic ass... ok, must remember, I'm *working* on that now. I WILL avoid having ice cream after lunch today, I will. Well, maybe once a week I'll treat myself. ;-)