Oh God, I think I just had my first pregnancy nightmare. It was terrifying.

I dreamed first that I asked Dan why he never seems to want to sleep with me anymore. I have brought this up in real life a few times now. He always reassures me that he loves me absolutely, deeply and completely, I am the most amazing woman, he can't live without me, I'm beautiful, etc. At that point he takes me in his arms, we make love, and then it doesn't happen again for another 2-3 weeks. I don't know what to think or do. I mean, I'm not questioning if he *loves* me or not, I question if he is *attracted* to me. That's what I ask, and then he answers that he loves me. It's not really addressing my question now, is it?

In my dream, his answer was that I am too much into S&M (because I spank him lightly from time to time), that I swear too much (it turns him off when I say fuck), and there was a third that I forgot. Devastated and furious by these ridiculous answers, I started yelling at him and crying, and that dream faded out.

The next dream involved a plot to do something slightly illegal in nature, I'm not sure what. Maybe growing pot? I was discussing the details with the people that were in on the scheme with me over lunch.

Later on, a tall woman showed up at my doorstep with a duffle bag. She told me that I shouldn't have discussed the plan with these people, or mentioned it at all.
"But they are the ones helping me to do it! How can we not talk about it?"
"It doesn't matter," she said. "I'm here to eliminate you. Since I feel bad for you, we can have lunch first, and you can choose how you would like me to kill you (shot through the head or shot through the heart), but we have to finish up here soon."

We ended up in some little diner downstairs, me panicked and thinking of all the reasons why I absolutely wasn't ready to die, trying to think of ways to escape, and also trying to call Dan on my cell phone to say goodbye and let him know what happened to me. I kept trying and trying to use my cell phone, but every time I would almost get through to Dan, it would malfunction. The web browser would suddenly come up when I was trying to make a call, etc.

The hit woman was losing patience and told me that she didn't have time for all this, she had a job to do. "Please, I just want to say goodbye and let him know that I'm not coming home! Please..." I begged her, and started to cry hysterically, in complete anguish. At that point I woke up, and goddess help me, I was SO relieved to find out that I was in my bed with Dan and the dog and not about to be shot in the head execution-style. But the two dreams had freaked me out so much that I took the dog and went and sobbed in the other room for a while.

I'm een more bummed that this dream ruined a perfectly fine episode of comfortable sleep. Lately, I sleep like SHIT. I mean, I can pass out at 10:00pm just fine on some nights, but then I'm up at 2-6am. Or else I pass out on the couch at 9:00pm, and then when I take my happy ass to bed I can't sleep at all. I'm exhausted. I don't even have a bump yet, and already I can't manage to get comfortable. Either I feel like my circulation is being cut off, weird aches and pains make me toss and turn, and my damn breasts keep getting in the way and feel like they're being squished between my arms when I'm on my side.

Women with large breasts, how do you *deal* with these things! They're all fine and dandy in a low-cleavage dresss, but the rest of the time they bug the hell out of me! Always getting squashed, or caught under my armpit or something like that. If I lay on my stomach in yoga I feel like they'll explode. I have to wear a bra all the time now. I want my A-cups back! or B...I would be happy with B. Like I said, they do come in handy in a low-cut dress....

Ah, pregnancy.... My life would be super-stressful enough lately under normal circumstances, but with my job, my brother, etc....I am all weepy anyways, and short-tempered, and it just makes things a lot harder.

It seems from my dream that the lack of sex is really bothering me...I don't think it's any of the above silly reasons that he mentioned in the dream, I think it simply has to do with both of us being stressed out, hating our jobs, worried about our economic future, and slightly depressed about it all. We're coping, but there are some side effects. I think I typically seek comfort in sex when stressed, but Dan needs to feel happy and relaxed in order to feel aroused. We really need a vacation, but we need to save money too and might feel even more stressed out knowing that we spent on a vacation. Catch-22. I'm thinking about camping.

I got an ultrasound on Friday and saw the baby for the first time, at eight weeks. So cute, just like a little gingerbread baby! I saw it from above as it laid on its back, and it had a round circle head and four little arm and leg nubs, exactly in the shape of a gingerbread man, with a little tiny hummingbird heart beating like crazy in the center.

My doctor said that it looked like a perfectly healthy baby, and must be sleeping, since it was just sort of laying flat and relaxed. She said that they are growing so fast at this stage that they don't move around very much, it kind of wipes them out. The baby looked for all the world like it was floating on its back in a pool...my little gingerbread baby, just chillin'!

Nice to know that someone is relaxed around here! ;-) So that was really, really cool. And it made it seem much more real to see the baby. It's been kind of an abstract concept up until now.

I asked myself yesterday if seeing the baby at eight weeks makes me feel any different about abortion, and my answer is a resounding NO. I personally want this baby, so it's a whole different story now, it's the miracle of life!

But I also remember how I felt in the past, and honestly, the woman's attitude is entirely what makes the difference. A wanted baby is a wonder, and an unwanted baby is a tragic burden. It's all so relative. An amazing medicine can also be a poison, it all depends on the dose. And I still strongly feel that, until a baby is born, it should be considered part of a woman's body. So none of my views have changed.

Time for work. I am glad that I have this job still, at least for now. But I still hate it. More paradoxes.