msLaura: Modern Mama Laura Hamilton + Dan Baker = Julian Hamilton Baker & Adrian Hamilton Baker "When a woman tells the truth she is creating the possibility for more truth around her."
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Pregnancy nightmares

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June 30, 2003

Pregnancy nightmares

Oh God, I think I just had my first pregnancy nightmare. It was terrifying.

I dreamed first that I asked Dan why he never seems to want to sleep with me anymore. I have brought this up in real life a few times now. He always reassures me that he loves me absolutely, deeply and completely, I am the most amazing woman, he can't live without me, I'm beautiful, etc. At that point he takes me in his arms, we make love, and then it doesn't happen again for another 2-3 weeks. I don't know what to think or do. I mean, I'm not questioning if he *loves* me or not, I question if he is *attracted* to me. That's what I ask, and then he answers that he loves me. It's not really addressing my question now, is it?

In my dream, his answer was that I am too much into S&M (because I spank him lightly from time to time), that I swear too much (it turns him off when I say fuck), and there was a third that I forgot. Devastated and furious by these ridiculous answers, I started yelling at him and crying, and that dream faded out.

The next dream involved a plot to do something slightly illegal in nature, I'm not sure what. Maybe growing pot? I was discussing the details with the people that were in on the scheme with me over lunch.

Later on, a tall woman showed up at my doorstep with a duffle bag. She told me that I shouldn't have discussed the plan with these people, or mentioned it at all.
"But they are the ones helping me to do it! How can we not talk about it?"
"It doesn't matter," she said. "I'm here to eliminate you. Since I feel bad for you, we can have lunch first, and you can choose how you would like me to kill you (shot through the head or shot through the heart), but we have to finish up here soon."

We ended up in some little diner downstairs, me panicked and thinking of all the reasons why I absolutely wasn't ready to die, trying to think of ways to escape, and also trying to call Dan on my cell phone to say goodbye and let him know what happened to me. I kept trying and trying to use my cell phone, but every time I would almost get through to Dan, it would malfunction. The web browser would suddenly come up when I was trying to make a call, etc.

The hit woman was losing patience and told me that she didn't have time for all this, she had a job to do. "Please, I just want to say goodbye and let him know that I'm not coming home! Please..." I begged her, and started to cry hysterically, in complete anguish. At that point I woke up, and goddess help me, I was SO relieved to find out that I was in my bed with Dan and the dog and not about to be shot in the head execution-style. But the two dreams had freaked me out so much that I took the dog and went and sobbed in the other room for a while.

I'm een more bummed that this dream ruined a perfectly fine episode of comfortable sleep. Lately, I sleep like SHIT. I mean, I can pass out at 10:00pm just fine on some nights, but then I'm up at 2-6am. Or else I pass out on the couch at 9:00pm, and then when I take my happy ass to bed I can't sleep at all. I'm exhausted. I don't even have a bump yet, and already I can't manage to get comfortable. Either I feel like my circulation is being cut off, weird aches and pains make me toss and turn, and my damn breasts keep getting in the way and feel like they're being squished between my arms when I'm on my side.

Women with large breasts, how do you *deal* with these things! They're all fine and dandy in a low-cleavage dresss, but the rest of the time they bug the hell out of me! Always getting squashed, or caught under my armpit or something like that. If I lay on my stomach in yoga I feel like they'll explode. I have to wear a bra all the time now. I want my A-cups back! or B...I would be happy with B. Like I said, they do come in handy in a low-cut dress....

Ah, pregnancy.... My life would be super-stressful enough lately under normal circumstances, but with my job, my brother, etc....I am all weepy anyways, and short-tempered, and it just makes things a lot harder.

It seems from my dream that the lack of sex is really bothering me...I don't think it's any of the above silly reasons that he mentioned in the dream, I think it simply has to do with both of us being stressed out, hating our jobs, worried about our economic future, and slightly depressed about it all. We're coping, but there are some side effects. I think I typically seek comfort in sex when stressed, but Dan needs to feel happy and relaxed in order to feel aroused. We really need a vacation, but we need to save money too and might feel even more stressed out knowing that we spent on a vacation. Catch-22. I'm thinking about camping.

I got an ultrasound on Friday and saw the baby for the first time, at eight weeks. So cute, just like a little gingerbread baby! I saw it from above as it laid on its back, and it had a round circle head and four little arm and leg nubs, exactly in the shape of a gingerbread man, with a little tiny hummingbird heart beating like crazy in the center.

My doctor said that it looked like a perfectly healthy baby, and must be sleeping, since it was just sort of laying flat and relaxed. She said that they are growing so fast at this stage that they don't move around very much, it kind of wipes them out. The baby looked for all the world like it was floating on its back in a pool...my little gingerbread baby, just chillin'!

Nice to know that someone is relaxed around here! ;-) So that was really, really cool. And it made it seem much more real to see the baby. It's been kind of an abstract concept up until now.

I asked myself yesterday if seeing the baby at eight weeks makes me feel any different about abortion, and my answer is a resounding NO. I personally want this baby, so it's a whole different story now, it's the miracle of life!

But I also remember how I felt in the past, and honestly, the woman's attitude is entirely what makes the difference. A wanted baby is a wonder, and an unwanted baby is a tragic burden. It's all so relative. An amazing medicine can also be a poison, it all depends on the dose. And I still strongly feel that, until a baby is born, it should be considered part of a woman's body. So none of my views have changed.

Time for work. I am glad that I have this job still, at least for now. But I still hate it. More paradoxes.

June 13, 2003

First Journal Post

Wow, so OK...a million things have changed in the past year. In my last post I was talking about my new apartment in San Francisco, moving out, tentatively making up with Dan, and wondering what would happen in the future.

I ditched the apartment four short months after moving in. It was way too expensive, ate up all my income, and Dan was keeping his promise about being a changed man, so I ended up spending a lot of time with him in Campbell anyways. We would go up to the SF apartment about two weekends every month. For that kind of money, we could have stayed in a beautiful hotel instead. So after much deliberation and agonizing, I decided to give my doubts and fears a rest, risk being a complete sucker, and give up the apartment. Not without first warning Dan that if he ever made me regret it, I would never forgive him.

I haven't regretted it. Not like life has been perfect or anything, but Dan is indeed a changed man, and that bullshit angry behavior is gone. He is sensitive, caring and loving. I don't know what happened to that asshole guy who was around for a while, but I'm glad he's gone.

Lots of other stuff happened, but I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow description of everything that's been going on since last July. I'll stick to the important details.

On my birthday, December 13th, 2002, Dan asked me to marry him. We were in the Hotel del Sol in San Francisco, I was checking my email, and he was naked. I noticed him next to me all of a sudden, and when I turned to him I noticed that he was completely nervous, just standing there. Then he got down on one knee, opened a ring box, and said "I love you so much. Will you marry me?", and I said, "Of course!". I was sort of in shock, even though I was hoping that he would ask. It didn't really sink in for a while, and I felt all shy about it that night when we were out with friends for my birthday...like a 16 year-old girl rather than a 33 year-old woman. I was shy about showing the ring, which was a big beautiful diamond. I was shy about talking about getting married. I don't know why....I guess I didn't want to seem like a typical chick and that this was going to be the defining moment of my life, and all I ever wanted was a big rock and to snag some man. So not me.

We already had plans to go to St. Martin for New Year's, and spend 2 weeks there with my best friend Angela and her husband Vincent. My friend Brad was flying in from New York with his boyfriend Dale too, so it would be a real party! Why not make it a WEDDING party? I never wanted a traditional wedding, I always wanted to be in an exotic location, and if we could spare ourselves the whole family ordeal *and* the expense, even better. I proposed this idea to Dan, and at first he completely nixed it on account of his parents. Then, after a few days of thinking it over, with subtle persuasion from me, he agreed to it, if his parents weren't crushed by the prospect.

Far from being crushed, his parents were fine with the idea. So we went to St. Martin and got married on January 3rd, 2003. It's another long story, so just go to http://www.viviente.com/wedding and look at the pics. I'll write more about it later.

Fast forward to April. We decided to get a dog, and couldn't find one. I sent out emails asking about a whippet, and got back one email about a rescue dog named Bugs who was half whippet and half black lab, 3.5 years old. We picked him up the same day we looked at him (April 11), fell in love, and he has been the apple of our eyes ever since. http://www.viviente.com/bugsonline

Now fast forward to two weeks ago. I had been going to my acupuncturist for some terrible allergies and skin rashes that I was having. She had been doing a great job. I went in for my last treatment, and she told me that my pulse was very different from my previous visits...faster and stronger. She asked me what was going on with me. Nothing, I replied. I felt great! Problems? Hmmm....no the only problem that I could think of was my irregular period pattern for the past month. I had had two periods almost back-to-back, then nothing since. Was the first period the real one and the second one just spotting? If so, I was overdue for the next period. If the second period *was* a real period, then the next period should arrive in a day or two.

I was normally very regular, so this was confusing me, and I was trying to chart my cycles because Dan and I were trying to get pregnant. I had given up on this month, with all the confusion involved. I had taken a test two weeks prior, and it was negative.

Dr. Liu got that "Eureka" look and she said, "You are pregnant!" I said I didn't think so...my test came out negative. "You tested too early! Take another test now. You will be pregnant, you'll see."

I told Dan about it when I got home, almost laughingly. All those months of supposedly hitting the ovulation nail on the head...no pregnancy, and now a pregnancy when I wasn't even sure *when* I ovulated, if at all?

I had a test at home, so I put it on the counter to take the next morning. I had been having trouble sleeping, so I ended up waking up at 5:00am to pee. I took the test and it was positive! I was really quite stunned. Of course, I wanted to wake Dan up right away to tell him, or at least email my girlfriends, but I just went back to bed and thought furiously for about an hour, then fell asleep and dreamed about telling Dan for another hour.

He finally woke up, slowly, and I waited at least five minutes before I said, "Guess what?" Of course, he guessed, and gave me a big hug. I didn't get any more out of him until he had digested it a little bit, a few hours later. My...so shockingly adult! At the premature age of 33...getting married and having a baby! It's funny...everyone's like, "It's about time!" But I'm almost surprised that it's happening at all. I guess I'm a late bloomer ;-) But we're thrilled. I really can't wait to meet this baby and get to know him or her. What will he/she be like? What will he/she look like? Very exciting. My due date is around February 6th, 2004.

So I have a jewelry class right now, gotta jet. Lots of projects in the works, lots of things to do and learn before baby arrives.


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